Medieval Mutants
by EE's Skysong
Summary: Parody of The Last Unicorn. Ororo a unicorn is looking for others. Along the way, she meets Kurt a bumbling magician, Kitty a jaded maid, Forge a cute prince, King Mags who's crazy, and the Orange Bull who wants to kill her. Yeah. Storge, kinda Kurtty.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: "Oh, yeah, that was smooth." "Better than getting squeegeed off the dome outside!"

(An: And so we begin another parody. Yahoo. The nice thing about this one is that I've watched this movie so many times that I can pretty much quote it all by heart, heheh.)

Amalthea (the unicorn): Ororo

Prince Lier: Forge

Shmendrick: Kurt

Molly: Kitty

King Haggard: Magneto

Butterfly: Hank

Captain Cully: Lance

Mommy Fortuna: Dani

Rukh: Jason

Celaeno (the harpy): Mystique

Director: Remy

Random Singer Dude: Piotr

ALL THAT BUSY STUFF THAT GOES ON BEFORE THE PARODY...

Remy is doing an I've-got-absolute-power dance.

"Why is he the director, anyway?" Rogue demands.

Author: Because all the people I normally use for director have parts.

Rogue crosses her arms and glares.

"What're you, like, complaining about? You don't even have a part in this!" Kitty says.

"Good point," Rogue says, and disappears.

"Where's Forge?" Remy asks, flipping through his Omnipresent Clipboard.

"Ah... good question," Kurt agrees, looking around. "Where **is** Forge?"

"Look in the supply closet," Logan suggests, looking squicked.

"Y' do it," Remy says, smacking Kurt.

"Why me? You're the director!"

"I call absolute power."

"Dammit!"

Kurt gives Remy the evil eye before tentatively opening the supply closet door.

In a tumble of mops, cleaning fluid, and explosives, out come Ororo and Forge, attached at the mouth.

Remy and Kurt both look REALLY squicked.

"Dude, that's just sick," Kurt mutters, and Remy nods.

"_Tres, **tres**_ disturbing... and y' spelled that wrong... again."

Author: -eye twitches- I do not possess those amazing slashy e's! So sue me!

Remy kicks Forge, choosing to ignore this. "We need to start the whole transformation bit."

"Again?" everyone else demands.

Remy deadpans.

"Yeah, yeah, keep your shirt on," Forge mutters. He pulls out the octagonal purple thing. "Ok, ok, line up."

TEN MINUTES LATER...

"Is that everyone?" Forge asks.

"WHEE!" Hank cries, flapping around and stuff.

"I think you must've shrunk his brain," Remy comments to Forge.

Forge shakes the purple thing. "Damn thing must be on the fritz again."

"Definitely," Kitty says. "Look at Storm!"

She's a unicorn, yep... a coffee-colored one.

"I work with what I have," Forge says, sounding peeved.

"Who ever heard of a black unicorn?" Kitty demands.

"You have now," Ororo replies. She looks distinctly P.O.'ed. She tosses her head.

"I just have one question," Piotr pipes up. "What exactly does a 'Random Singer Dude' do?"

"You sing all de songs dat none of de characters do," Remy explains. 

"...Why me?"

Everyone else shrugs.

"Don't ask questions," Remy advises. "Y' never want t' know, trust me."

"Have we got everyone, then?" Wanda asks.

"No, we're missin' someone," Remy mutters.

Forge looks at the clipboard, eeps, and runs away. Or tries to, anyway. Ororo steps on his foot. "Stay," she commands.

"...the pain..." Forge squeaks.

"What was THAT about?" Kitty demands.

"De person we're missin's your friend Dani," Remy explains.

"Oh! Yay!" Kitty does a little happy dance. "...wait, why does that bother Forge?"

"We know each other," Forge says darkly. "Sadly."

A door slams and Dani appears. "Sorry I'm late," she explains. "Naze took a wrong turn at Albequerque." (1)

"Hello, you evil person you," Forge (attempting to hide behind Ororo) mutters.

"It's nice to see you too, Maker," Dani replies. She doesn't look amused.

Forge shakes his fist and mutters something that's probably not very polite in Cheyenne.

"Oh, that's **real** nice," Dani mutters.

"Why don't we just get started," Remy suggested, wearing an oh-shit face and wishing to avoid a fight.

"Good idea," Kurt agrees.

We start off with a tracking shot through some woods, along with random animal noises and stuff. Very tranquil and crap.

We see a waterfall, a pool, and a lilac bush. Somehow, during this transition, it becomes daytime. The wonder of special effects, I s'pose.

Rahne comes running down a path, barking for Alex and Warren (on horses) to follow.

"This is demeaning," she mutters. "I'm a **wolf**!"

"And I'm a multimillionaire playboy, but we can't all have what we want, now can we," Warren replies.

They ride through the pool and into a meadow, and we see Ororo's shadow. Just her shadow, that's it.

"I mislike the feel of these woods," Warren announces. "Wait, 'mislike'?"

Author: Anybody who would actually say "mislike" already has a part.

Warren rolls his eyes and goes on. "Creatures that live in a unicorn's forest learn a little magic of their own in time, mainly concerned with disappearing."

Author: When we see the dude Warren plays, you can TELL this was done by the same people who did the animated versions of _The Hobbit_ and _The Return of the King_.

Alex gives him a "riiight" look. "Unicorns? I thought they only existed in fairy tales. This is a forest, like any other." Then, because Warren is the Senior Hunter and thus faaar more experienced (I see your Robin Hood-esque cap and raise you a beard), he adds, "Isn't it?"

"Then why do the leaves never fall here? Or the snow?"

"Because I run the show here, and I hate cold weather!" Ororo yells.

Remy gives her a death glare.

"Why is it always spring here?"

"I just answered that," Storm replies. "You must be kind of slow on the uptake."

"Well, DUH," Forge says.

"What makes you say that?" Warren demands, eyes slitted.

Forge coughs into his hand. It sounds suspiciously like "Cookie!" (2)

Warren shoots Forge a death glare. "I tell you, there is one unicorn left in the world, and as long as it lives in this forest, we'll find no game to hunt here. What kind of games? Like Sorry or Never Have I Ever?"

John (with his drumset) boredly does a rimshot. (3)

Remy facepalms. "Please, Warren, for all our sakes, don't make any more jokes, ok?"

Warren mutters something like "Nobody appreciates talent" but shuts up.

Alex appears to have been swayed by Warren's convincing arguments (or maybe the bad puns). "Let's turn around, hunt somewhere else."

"All right," Warren agrees, looking semi-smug.

They turn their horsies and Rahne runs off in the other direction. Warren pauses, though, to make a Random Speech. He's pretty good at those. "Stay where you are, poor beast. This is no world for you. Stay in your forest and keep your trees green and your friends protected, and good luck to you, for you are the last."

They ride off, and we see Ororo step out of the forest. _I am the only unicorn there is? The last?_ Like in all scenes with her as a horse, she does a lot of random head movements.

She tilts back her head as Mystique!eagle caws and flaps overhead.

Rogue strikes up a tune on her guitar and Piotr starts singing (from his magic voiceover booth). (4)

"**When the last eagle flies**"

Mystique lands on a tree, and for no apparent reason, she goes tapestry-style.

Go down a little, and we see some lions (who, incidentally, look more like monkeys) sitting by a fountain.

"**Over the last crumbling mountain  
And the last lion roars  
At the last dusty fountain**"

Jason the lion!monkey roars. "NOT A MONKEY!" Jason screams.

The Acolytes glance up from their usual in-parody poker game. "Yes, you are."

Jason mutters about union rights.

"**In the shadow of the forest  
Though she may be old and worn  
They will stare unbelieving  
At the last unicorn**"

Again, we see just Ororo's shadow, among some trees.

Then we see a stag and some bunnies, staring at Ororo staring at her reflection in the pool by the fountain.

A title pops up: _Mideaval Mutants_.

"**When the first breath of winter  
Through the flowers is icing**"

We switch to some windblown flowers. Then we see a castle, and a moonrise.

"**And you look to the north  
And a pale moon is rising**"

A leaf falls by a squirrel.

"**And it seems like all is dying  
And would leave the world to mourn  
In the distance hear the laughter  
Of the last unicorn**"

A tear drops down the squirrel's face as he freezes in tapestry position.

"Poor sad squirrel," John whimpers. "Can I have him?"

"NO!" all the other Acolytes shout, terrified.

John sulks. "Never let me have any fun..."

"If by fun, you mean attempts at destroying the world, then no, we don't like you doing that," Remy agrees, and Piotr nods fervently.

Ororo runs through those trees I mentioned earlier and then stops, rearing.

"**I'm alive  
I'm alive**"

"Well, thank God for that, Piotr," Rogue says, pausing in her guitar playing.

"Don't talk t' him!" Remy begs. "You'll be corrupted!" (5)

Rogue gives him the WTF eyebrow for a moment, then goes back to playing.

"**When the last moon is cast  
Over the last star of morning**"

We see a star, and then we see the moon. Real original, this.

A bunch of clouds move in.

"**And the future has passed  
Without even a last desperate warning**"

Then, like earlier, we get some random daylight.

A path appears in the clouds and we see a cloud!Ororo rear.

"Nice touch, 'Ro," Remy comments.

Ororo just shrugs.

"**Then look into the sky where through  
The clouds a path is torn**"

We switch back to the fountain, where Ororo is STILL admiring her blackness.

"**Look and see her, how she sparkles  
It's the last unicorn**"

Since this seems to be a requirement of all the Ororos in this tapestry, Ororo admires herself for a moment more, then rears, and the whole thing goes tapestry style.

"**I'm alive  
I'm alive**"

We see the whole tapestry. Weird. Half is night, half is day... that would explain the random daylight, then.

So then we switch away from the tapestry, to the forest at night. We see a bunch of sleeping animals... and some random bunnies.

Mystique (an owl now) flaps her wings and hoots. "Am I just every random bird?"

Author: ...Yeah, pretty much.

Then, after that, we switch to Ororo, looking at herself in the pool. Unicorns are very vain. Or maybe that's just her.

"CHEAP SHOT!" Kurt yells, delighted.

Ororo is Not Amused.

_That cannot be,_ she thinks, as a lilac petal falls down into the water. _Why would I be the last? What do men know? Because they have seen no unicorns for a while does not mean we have all... **vanished**! We do not vanish! There has never been a time without unicorns. We live forever! We are as old as the sky, old as the moon! We can be hunted, trapped, we can even be killed if we leave our forests, but we do not **vanish**!_

It randomly switches to day again, and we see Ororo cresting a hill, still lost in her own thoughts. _Am I truly the last?_

"That'll do, folks," Remy calls.

"Whoa, short chapter," Ororo comments.

Author: It's late and I want to go to bed. Any questions?

"Right, right."

(And that IS that. Please review. My ego needs stroking, and I have the nagging feeling that this chapter was craptacular. Hahah! I got this up on time! ...pretty much... it's not midnight yet, so I did!)

(1) As IF you don't know what this is referencing... please tell me you do. That would just be sad.

(2) Cookie is Warren's pet alligator.This is a two-fer ref, originally from Toddfan's "Teacher Training" and now from my X-band series... as Playdoh, heheh.

(3) According to me, John can and will play the drums.

(4) The magic voiceover booth is from "The Cajun and the Artist"... it's a shameless plug, yeah, because I don't think anybody's read it.

(5) Rogue and Piotr have a 'ship in the Sidney Chronicles continuity; I'm also considering Riotr for a fic I want to do... don't lynch me, there's a very good reason!


	2. Yay! Foreboding!

Disclaimer: "Yo the name is Batty The logic is erratic Potato in a jacket Toys in the attic I rock and I ramble My brain is scrambled!"

(An: By the bye, after this, I'm going back to my weekend updating schedule since- eep!- school starts September first. Curse you American school system!)

"Ok, ok, we be startin'," Remy says, in the tone of someone who is nursing a hangover.

"Are you **always** drunk during parodies?" Dani asks.

Remy holds up a finger. The finger goes down after a moment. "_Oui._."

So Ororo is still standing on that hill contemplating life, making a point to waste her time, she's walkin' on clouds... of black- There's a skipping sound.

"Ok, who put on de Anna Nalick CD?" Remy demands. (1)

Jamie raises a sheepish hand. "Sorry," he says. "Wrong CD." He puts in a different one, looking embarrassed.

Anyway, she's just standing there when Hank flaps in. "**Wave the flag for Hudson High, boys, show them how we stand**!" he sings.

"What is he **on**?" Kurt asks Remy quietly.

"I don't t'ink we want t' know."

"Good point."

Hank lands on Ororo's nose and doffs his cap. "**I am a roving gambler, how do you do**?"

"So... I actually get to talk now?" Ororo asks.

"_Oui,_" Remy agrees.

"Goody," Ororo mutters. She does some random head movements, and then continues. "Hello butterfly, welcome! Have you traveled very far?"

"**How far would I travel, yes sir**," Hank says, and we do a close up to see he's wearing a new hat, more in the style of "A Bicycle Built for Two" now. "**To be where you are!** Clay lies still, but blood's a rover. Red rover, red rover, let Charlie come over!"

All the rest of the cast simultaneously mouths "Who's Charlie?" and then thinks better of asking.

"**Won't you come home Bill Bailey, won't you come home**?" He hangs on to Ororo's horn, warbling, "**My wild Irish rose**!"

"...I'm from Cairo..."

"Details, details, my dear," Hank slurs.

"Seriously!" Kurt cries.

"Why are y' takin' such an interest, anyway?"

"Well, you know, being stuck together to a guy for fifteen chapters kind of makes you concerned for him," Kurt replies, shrugging. (2)

"Ah... no, I don't."

Kurt blinks.

"Be a little respectful, butterfly," Ororo replies. "Do you know who I am?"

He slides down her horn. "Excellent! Well, you're a fishmonger!"

"What's a fishmonger?" Jamie asks.

"Somebody who sells fish," Kitty informs him. Everyone stares at him. "I've got an IQ over 120! I'm a freaking genius! Why doesn't anyone ever remember that!"

"Because you're a vapid, mindless Valley Girl in Evo?" Dani replies, inspecting her nails.

Kitty holds up a finger, then blinks. "...Dammit, she's right," she mutters.

"**You're my everything, you are my sunshine,**" Hank goes on. "You are old and gray and full of sleep! **You're my pickle-faced consumptive Mary Jane**!"

Ororo blinks, obviously trying to see if this works out to be a compliment.

"Spiderman's not making a cameo, is he?" Kurt whispers to Remy.

"It's not on m' clipboard," Remy replies.

SOMEWHERE IN NYC...

Peter Parker blinks. He turns to MJ. "Ever get the feeling that somewhere someone's talking about you?"

MJ just stares at him, and then slowly gives him the WTF eyebrow.

"...Forget I asked."

BACK IN THE STUDIO...

"That was **weird**," Remy mutters.

"I hope it doesn't happen again," Kurt agrees, and clears his throat meaningfully.

Ororo, however, seems stuck upon getting Hank to say her name. "Say my name, then..." She pauses, hearing music.

"**Say my name say my name  
When no one is around you  
Say 'Baby, I love you'**" (3)

There is a scratching nose, and then the sound of a CD shattering. "NEVER AGAIN!" Rogue yells. "That was a really bad joke, anyway."

"If you know my name," Ororo continues, undaunted, "tell it to me."

"You're really stuck on that, aren't you?" Hank comments, in what will probably be his only moment of lucidity in the whole chapter.

"I s'pose," Ororo comments, and stands a little straighter. "After all, Ororo **does** mean beautiful." (4)

"Yeah," Remy agrees, "in some random, probably-made-up-just-for-Marvel African language."

Ororo gives him the evil eye... it's not really effective. She's a unicorn, after all.

Hank goes back to being nuts. "Your name is a golden bell hung in my heart," Hank intones, clutching his chest.

(Forge does not look pleased at this suggestion of Hank/Ororo.)

"I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name."

"Say it, if you know!"

"Rumplestiltskin, gotcha!"

Ororo shakes her head. "I should know better than to expect a silly butterfly to know my name... well he **is** apparently one of my only friends!"

Hank bounces around on some flowers, apparently getting even more drunk. "One, two, three, O'Leary!"

Ororo ducks her head down by the flowers. "Butterfly," she begs (carefully avoiding the flowers lest she end up like Hank), "in all your wanderings, have you seen others like me? Have you seen even one?"

Hank breaks out into a little midair jig. "**Oh, have you seen the muffin man, the muffin man**!"

"I thought it was the Gumbo man," Pietro mumbles. (5)

"We're DONE with that parody, we've BEEN done for weeks," Sam says. "...and thank God for that."

"There's still Redneck Shrek Two, you know," Bobby points out.

"What're you excited about? You're gonna be a donkey again. A donkey who gets no love."

Bobby blinks, finding no forthcoming response to this. "...I want Mr. Cuddles..." (6)

Jubilee facepalms and drags him off.

"Butterfly, even one?" Ororo asks. "Tell me that you saw only one!"

"One?" Hank asks, holding up a poorly drawn finger. "**One alone to be my own!**" Then, of course, he ruins the moment, donning an aviator's cap and making airplane noises. "**Buckle down, wind sock, buckle down**!" He flutters over Ororo's head, advising her to "Go and catch a falling star."

"It serves me right for even asking you," Ororo mutters, walking away. "All butterflies know are songs and poetry and anything else they hear. I guess you mean well... fly away, butterfly."

She walks over by one of the lilac bushes, and Hank catches a ride on one of the falling leaves. "**Oh Iiii must take the X-jeeeet**!"

"Is it fixed, then?" Bobby asks.

"Any more joyrides, kid," Logan says, holding up a rather battered bear, "an' Mr. Cuddles here gets it."

Bobby squeaks and shuts up, rocking back and forth and humming to himself. Jubilee backs away slowly, and then books for the exit. "To hell with this! I'm not even in this parody!" She runs up to the door... and smacks into it.

"You have to open it first, you know," Rahne comments. (7)

Hank now dons a red captain's cap, saying, "Oh I am a cook and a captain bold and a mate of the Nancy Brig," as the leaf lands on the water. "**Has anybody here seen Trishy**?" he inquires as he flaps back up by Ororo.

"Who's Trishy?" Jamie asks.

Remy opens his mouth but Kurt cuts him off. "I'm telling you, you don't want to know. Remy, you shouldn't have told me, and I'm telling you, you don't wanna know." (8)

Jamie blinks, not getting the reference.

"I hope you hear many more songs," Ororo says. "I must find someone who knows me, who has seen others like me."

Hank appears to snap out of his crazy mood, intoning, "Unicorn. Old French,_unicorn_. Latin, _unicornus_. Literally one horned," Hank goes on, and now he's wearing a mortarboard. He adjusts his glasses. "Unis, one, and cornu, a horn. A fabulous animal resembling a horse with one horn, visible only to those who search and trust, and generally mistaken for a white mare. Unicorn."

"I think somebody's been memorizing the dictionary again," Ororo sighs.

"It makes great bedtime reading!" Hank slurs. "All those nouns and adjectives and... what're those things?"

Ororo deadpans. "Words?"

"Yeah, that."

Ororo rolls her eyes. "Oh!" she gasps. "You do know me! Please, all I want to know is if you've seen other unicorns like me, somewhere in the world."

"**See you later, alligator**!" Hank replies. "Close cover before striking!"

"Butterfly, have you seen the others?" Ororo asks, apparently taking this as a good sign. "Where have they gone? Tell me which way I must go to find them."

Hank apparently loses his lucidity... or is posessed... or something.

"We need a young priest and an old priest!" Kurt cries. "Somebody get the holy water! Hank's gone nuts!" (9)

"...And that's different... how?" Remy asks. "Sorry, I was obligated by contract; I **had** t' say it. Obligatory Skysong crack."

Anyway, he talks differently. "No, no, listen. Don't listen to me, listen." 

We see Ororo, with the butterfly's shadow on her face.

"You can find the others if you are brave." His shadow flaps down a road that appears in the sky as he narrates. "They passed down all the roads long ago, and the Orange Bull ran close behind them and covered their footprints."

"The Orange Bull? What is the Orange Bull?" Ororo asks.

"About five seven," Remy says, "and datin' Wanda."

Kurt smacks him. "We're not supposed to tell who the Orange Bull is until we get to that part!"

"As if dey haven't guessed," Remy replies breezily, but shuts up.

Hank does a kind of backing up shuffle in midair. "**Hold tight, hold tight, hold tight hold tight**!" He lands on the ground, and gives himself ox horns with his fingers. "His firsting bull has majesty, and his horns are the horns of a wild ox. With them he shall push the unicorns, all of them, to the ends of the earth!" He flaps back up again, seeming to become unposessed.

Kurt glances over at the priests, getting a little nervous grin. "Uh... that's ok.. you can go home..."

"We're still getting paid for this, right?"

"Uh... sure..."

The priests leave.

Remy stares at Kurt. "Dude, you are **so** weird."

Kurt looks at Hank and then back at Remy. "What's your basis for comparison?"

"Listen, listen, listen quickly!"

Hank starts to fly off and Ororo dashes after him. "I am listening! Where are the other unicorns and what is the Orange Bull?"

"Listen, listen!" Hank cries, and starts to laugh. "The king is in the counting house, counting out, counting out, counting!" He flies off, and the last thing we hear is "It's you or me, Moth. Hand to hand to hand to hand..."

"We'd, uh, better go find him, huh," Kurt says.

"Not yet, we're almost done," Remy responds.

_He said I could find the other unicorns,_ Ororo thinks, again on that hill being introspective. _But where? Or was the story of the Orange Bull just another one of his songs?_

Apparently, she spent all day on that hill, again, because when we pan across the forest it's dark. _Oh, I could never leave this forest... but I must know if I am the only unicorn left in the world! Suppose... they are hiding together, somewhere far away._

"Do you like her because she's a conspiracy theorist?" Kurt whispers to Forge, who gives him an evil look. 

"Ah thought it was Far, Far Away," Sam comments.

Rahne kicks him. "We've used up our quota of Redneck Shrek jokes for this chapter! Shut up, ye daftie!"

Ororo doesn't seem to hear this, of course. _What if they're waiting for me, in need of my help?_

"Uh-oh," says Remy, looking at his clipboard.

"What?" Kurt asks.

"We need Hank for the eery foreboding in this next bit," Remy explains.

Kurt pulls a butterfly net seemingly from nowhere. "Let's catch us a scholar!" he says, doing a lock and load movement.

TEN MINUTES, THREE BUSTED BUTTERFLY NETS, AND LOTS AND LOTS OF UNECESSARY HASSLE LATER...

"I got him..." Kurt gasps.

Hank giggles and cries "Whee!" again.

"Good job, _mon ami,_" Remy agrees. Then he blinks. "Although, now that I think of it, we could've just used de recordin' of Hank's voice..."

Author: I DID say it was unecessary hassle.

Kurt gives him a death glare.

Ororo cocks her head as Hank intones, "They passed down all the roads long ago, and the Orange Bull ran close behind them and covered their footprints." We see some more unicorns (not black) run by... in Ororo's imagination, of course. Ororo shakes her head and whinnies. She runs down a path and out of the forest. She pauses at the beginning of the road, looking angsty and stuff.

"ANGST!" Kurt yells, delighted. (10)

Ororo glances behind herself, and we see a bunch of random animals... including a pair of dodos.

"Those're the extinct flightless bird of Canada!" Logan cries. (11)

Ororo starts down the path, ignoring the imploring gaze of the dodos... and all those other random animals, of course. _I must go quickly, and come back as soon as I can._

"You can find the others," Hank advises, from his butterfly net, "if you are brave."

"Foreboding AND angst," Kurt agrees.

"Did y' hit your head or somethin'?" Remy asks him. "'Cause suddenly you're a lot more annoying than normal."

Kurt is Not Amused.

"_D'accord,_ people, that's a wrap," Remy says, and leans in towards the camera. "Don' y' just **love** random French?"

(Of course we do. Review! ...gah, verse!)

(1) That bit is modified lyrics from "Citadel" by Anna Nalick... I was listening to the CD at the time, so sue me!

(2) This, of course, is a reference to my last parody, "Quest for Sanity," in which Kurt and Hank play the two-headed dragon Cornwall and Devon.

(3) Some song by Destiny's Child to which I sang along when I was nine or so.

(4) It does... according to Marvel.

(5) Reference to probably my favorite bit in "Redneck Shrek." "The Gumbo man... who lives on Creole lane?"

(6) Another QFS ref... Bobby has a teddy bear named Mr. Cuddles, which people frequently steal and/or hide.

(7) X-Band ref, naturally.

(8) Paraphrased from Atlantis: The Lost Empire... GOD I love that line.

(9) The first line Kurt cries is from "Austin Powers: the Spy who Shagged Me," I b'lieve. One of them, anyway.

(10) Just to round it out, a third QFS ref... Kurt somehow has gotten into the habit of screaming "ANGST!" whenever an angsty bit comes up.

(11) From Fairly Oddparents.


	3. Technical SNAFUs Run Amuck!

Disclaimer: "I don't want to be a pie! ...I don't like gravy!"

(An: And we start anew... what? I was getting sick of "here we go again". By the by, for those of you who apparently have no interest in classic humor, "a left turn at Albequerque" is referencing Bugs Bunny. Whenever he gets lost, he always blames it on taking that left turn at Albequerque.)

"Ok, for dis next bit we need one o' those treadmills with de changing backgrounds," Remy says, peering at his clipboard.

Forge mutters something about "barbaric" but gets to work anyway.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

"There," Forge announces.

"Let's just hope this isn't as flimsy as your Camelot set," Bobby mutters. (1)

Forge shoots him a death glare. "So I made ONE mistake!"

Bobby mouths "one?" but doesn't say anything more.

So, anyway, we see shots of Ororo running over constantly changing backgrounds and stuff... then walking, then walking with her head down, and finally the backgrounds stop. So does Ororo... but the treadmill doesn't. "YAGH!" Ororo yells as she is propelled backwards and smacks into a wall.

"Eh heh heh... sorry about that..." Forge mumbles, backing away slowly. "My, uh, my mistake..."

Ororo stands up and regains her dignity, mouthing "I'll get you later."

Forge squeaks and attempts to run away. I say attempts because Kurt is standing on his foot.

Now we see Principal Kelley working a field. He straightens up, spotting Ororo. "Well, hello there, little one... little! She's almost as tall as me!"

"You're not allowed to adlib," Ororo responds, kicking him. Then she turns to the camera and whispers, "I've been wanting to do that FOREVER."

Principal Kelley winces, and we see things from his POV. To him, Ororo is just a weird-looking white mare... stupidhead.

"I AM NOT A STUPIDHEAD!"

"Yes, you are," the rest of the cast says, sounding bored.

Principal Kelley is Not Amused. "Hello there, medear," he coos, deciding to get this over with as soon as possible. "And just who might you belong to, a pretty little thing like you?" He takes off his belt...

All of the cast immediately covers their eyes (Ororo turns her head really quickly). "GAH!"

Again, Principal Kelley is Not Amused. Kelley snaps his belt.

The rest of the cast sighs in relief.

He walks up to Ororo, who just gives him a horsey WTF look. "Oh, come on now, good girl, good Bessie!"

"My name," Ororo says, looking P.O.'ed, "is ORORO! ...I have good reason to be P.O.'ed; we just spent half of last chapter getting Hank to say it."

"Curry ya up, clean ya off, you'll be the prettiest old mare anywhere," Kelley continues.

Ororo whinnies and rears. Of course, since this is still from Kelley's POV, he can't hear her. "Mare? **Mare**? I, a horse! Is that what you take me for? Is that what you see?"

Principal Kelley makes some weird noise like "sough, sough." Yeah. "Easy, easy, good girl," he continues, holding up his belt.

Ororo kind of shimmies back and forth, obviously deciding how best to kill Kelley.

"Oh, what a pretty sight ye are," Kelley goes on, oblivious. "Feed ya up, take ya to the fair, come on horse!"

We see Ororo's shadow (WITH the horn now) as Kelley advances, apparently trying to grab her.

"PERVERT!" Ororo whinnies. "A horse, am I? A horse indeed!" She rears, again, and uses her horn to get rid of Kelley's belt. Then she runs away.

Kelley wobbles and falls over. "Now **there's** a horse," he mumbles, shaking his head. "Hmm... my foot must've slipped." Just keeep telling yourself that.

So, anyway, there's a Quick Scene Change (QSC) to Ororo, sitting by the road and looking, for a horse, remarkably like a cat. Her ears twitch, like she's trying to pick up radar signals. _I had forgotten that men cannot see unicorns,_ she thinks, as Rahne and Warren ride by again.

"Ye're just having me play any random dog that shows up, aren't ye," Rahne mutters.

Author: Yep, like I'm having Mystique play any random bird.

Close up on Warren, who looks at Ororo and sees (you guessed it) a white mare.

_If men no longer know what they are looking at, there may well be other unicorns in the world, yet. Unknown... and glad of it._

"Cue random song dude," Remy announces.

Rogue takes out her guitar again and Piotr starts singing. "**Horizon rising**"

We see a sunrise. These people are NOT imaginative.

"**Up to meet  
The purple dawn**"

We see Ororo, windblown... literally. She gets blown right off the cliff thanks to the wind machine.

"FORGE!" she shrieks.

"Sorry," he replies, giving the machine a good hard smack. "Thing's on the fritz again."

"We really need to start shooting on location," Remy mutters.

"**Dust demon screaming**"

Mystique swoops down in eagle form again.

Author: See? I told you.

"Manstealer," Mystique mutters.

Ororo glances up at her. "You **do** realize I've got a three-foot-long skewer sticking out of my head, right?"

"**Bring an eagle  
To lead me on  
For in my heart I carry such a heavy load  
Here I am  
On man's road**"

Ororo starts down the path.

"**Walking man's road  
Walking man's road**"

"Chauvinists," Kitty mutters.

"Wow! Kitty, that was over three syllables!" Kurt exclaims. (2)

Kitty smacks him. "Just because this is a Kurtty-"

Kurt shuts up for once in his life.

So we see Ororo trudging across a desert... wow.

"**I'm hungry  
Weary  
But I cannot lay me down**"

Ororo walks past a river and you can TELL it's really serious 'cause she doesn't pause to admire her reflection. Then, of course, it starts to rain.

"**The rain comes  
Dreary  
But there's no shelter I have found**"

We see some random Overly-Cute-Squirrels hiding in a tree.

"So... they're not the kind that conquers the world?" John asks.

"Nope," Wanda replies. "Wrong breed."

"Damn."

Then we see some cows, and Ororo walking past a house that was obviously nicked from the set of _The Hobbit_.

Author: Well, it's understandable; the same people did the animated versions of this AND LOTR. (3)

"**It will be a long time till I find  
My abode  
Here I am  
On man's road**"

We see the obligatory "Road Shot" as Piotr finishes up.

"**Walking man's road  
Walking man's road**"

Then we see Ororo curled up, fast asleep, and looking like a cat again.

We see a caravan come in, and we see Dani's driving, wearing weird clothes and a hat made from a tree branch with Mystique!Raven perched on it. Then it drives past and we see the legend: "Dani Fortuna's Midnight Carnival." Ooer. Scary.

She spots Ororo and seems fascinated. "Well," she murmurs. "Well. Bless my old husk of a heart- OLD!"

Author: Well, yeah, in the book Mommy Fortuna's old enough to play Elli, the spirit of Old Age... I have too much useless knowledge concerning this movie. (4)

"And here I thought I'd seen the last of them," Dani continues with a TMI look on her face.

Apparently, somehow she's stopped the caravan, gotten off, and walked over to Ororo in the time it takes for us to glance at her (read: two seconds), because now she's standing there. She makes a come-hither-pathetic-lackeys gesture. "Here, you two!" She turns introspective, muttering to herself. "If he knew... but I don't think I'll tell him. He'll think it's a horse for sure! Some wizard I hired."

"Are you insulting my son!" Mystique demands (when in REALITY she's supposed to caw in agreement).

"You **do** realize that if I jerk my head you'll fall off?"

Mystique is Not Amused. "I'm sensing a pattern here..."

Jason hops off his wagon, followed by Kurt. "Now just what in hell was that to stop for?" Jason asks. "And what in hell was I casted in this part for?"

Author: Rukh looks vaguely like a monkey. You ARE a monkey. See? And stop complaining about bit parts; whenever I get to _Bartok the Magnificent_ you're the star. (5)

Jason mutters something but shuts up.

"What do you think it is, Jason?" Dani replies. "What do you see lying there?"

"Dead horse," Jason replies, completely uninterested.

"You're a monkey!" Dani replies. "But I knew that."

"NOT A MONKEY!" (6)

The rest of the cast just stares at him. Jason is Not Amused.

"What about you, wizard?" Dani asks, pointing at Kurt. "What do you see with your sorceror's sight?"

Jason chuckles nastily and elbows Kurt in the knee (that's as high as he can reach with his elbow, since he's a monkey).

Kurt just stares at Ororo and Dani grabs him by his shirt, dragging him down to her height. "Answer me! You, juggler!"

"I see a horse," Kurt mumbles, but as we look at Ororo we see he sees a unicorn. That was a mouthful. "J-just a white mare."

Dani does a rather nasty chuckle. It's cooler than Jason's. "I thought so," she cackles. "All right. It's a white mare. I want her for the carnival. The last cage is empty." For once Mystique gets her part right as she caws in agreement.

Mystique stares scathingly at the camera.

"I'll need rope," Jason replies.

"The rope that could hold that mare has not been woven... huh?"

"Common unicorn lore," Kitty recites. "Unicorns can't be held with ordinary rope; it takes a ridiculous list of ingredients to make one that will." (7)

"There you go again, doing that 'smart' thing," Kurt says. "It doesn't suit you, really."

Kitty isn't amused.

"We'll do the best we can with cold, iron bars," Dani continues.

"Oh, she's waking!" Kurt cries, playing the part of State the Obvious Man.

"I'll put a sleep on her," Dani responds, and mutters a few random words, like with all the magic in this movie.

Some blue smoke-type-stuff settles over Ororo.

"**Finally,** some effects Forge got right," Remy mutters.

"And what's **that** supposed to mean!" Forge cries.

Kitty (being the only one around) kicks him.

The blue smoke turns into a glowy second horn. Cool, that.

"Now cage her," Dani says. "She'll sleep 'til sunrise."

"Or rather, de next chapter," says Remy, getting creative. "'Cause dat's a wrap."

"Oh, joy," Dani says. "One or two more chapters and I can go back to relative anonymity."

(There we go, lovely, that's done.)

(1) In QFS, the Camelot set had a habit of collapsing.

(2) Crack from "It's the News!"

(3) It's true; Rankin & Bass, the company who did TLU, also did an animated version of "The Hobbit" and a very, very, this-is-worse-for-sticking-to-canon-than-Jackson's-version, incorrect version of "The Return of the King." I know. I watched them a lot when I was little. And you can tell; the human characters all have a hobbit-ish look to them.

(4) Again, true; in the book Mommy Fortuna puts the unicorn in the -ninth- cage and fills the last cage herself.

(5) Yep, that's who I want to play Bartok. Of course, I'm probably not going to get to that for AGES, mind.

(6) As IF you don't know where this line is copped from... ok, if you don't, it's from "Dave the Barbarian." GOD I love that show.

(7) The list is as such: fish's breath, bird spit, a woman's beard (!), a cat's meow, a bear's muscles, and mountain roots. You also need dwarves to weave it. As you can probably tell I have a copy of the book open and right next to me.


	4. Sleepy Sleepy Fishy Fishy

Disclaimer: "With a ha! And a hya! And I'd kick her, sir."

(An: Yeah, I've been working a lot on this fic, I know, but unlike most of my parodies I've been planning this one for ages. So it's quite satisfying. And yes, that list IS from Norse legend.)

"_D'accord,_ 'Ro, y' can get up now," Remy says, nudging Ororo with a foot.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

"I t'ink we have a problem," Remy announces to nobody in particular.

"Ya **think**?" Rogue agrees. "No, seriously, you do?"

Remy is Not Amused. "FORGE!" he yells, deciding not to press the subject.

"I'm right here," Forge says, sticking up a hand. "I've **been** here the whole time."

"Oh. Right. So why isn't 'Ro wakin' up?"

"...Well... the stuff was supposed to keep her asleep until sunrise..."

"Oh, no, I am **not** waitin' dat long," Remy responds.

"What're we gonna do, then?" Kurt asks.

Remy gets a nasty smirk. "Cover for me, kay?" He zips out.

Kurt rubs his hands together and cackles evilly. "ABSOLUTE POWER!" He lets off an evil laugh worthy of Pyro.

"Actually, I thought it was rather off form," Pyro comments.

Wanda kicks him and he shuts up.

FIVE MORE MINUTES LATER...

Remy returns, holding a big bucket. He walks up to Ororo, and with great dignity and a sense of ceremony, upends it over her head.

Ororo does a horsey-type-shriek and jumps up, landing rather clumsily. "Ahem," she mumbles, clearing her throat.

"Ugh, wet horse," Kurt mutters, waving the air in front of his nose.

Ororo gives him a death glare.

"Somebody turn on the wind machine!" Remy yells.

"Oh, not again," Ororo mumbles.

AND YET ANOTHER FIVE MINUTE INCREMENT OF TIME LATER...

Ororo is completely dry, completely awake, and completely P.O.'ed about being crammed into an itty-bitty cage. "This is racism," she mutters. "Everybody's a racist."

So, anyway, we see the banner for Dani's carnival again, and then we hear Jason narrating. "This here is the Manticore," he explains, to a bunch of Random-I-Don't-Really-Have-A-Point-Except-To-Make-This-Look-Even-More-Like-The-Hobbit-Extras. "Man's head, lion's body, tail of a scorpion, I don't really like talking in these stilted sentences 'cause it makes me sound stupid." (1)

"And that's different... how?" Remy asks, looking up from his poker game.

Jason is (you guessed it) Not Amused. "Creatures of night... brought to light!" A big hairy paw reaches out of the cage and nearly skewers Jason. "You're, uh, going a bit far with the special effects there, again," he whimpers, backing up.

"I don't really care about you," Forge replies. "You're even more of a bit character than I was!"

Jason, finding no good response, hobbles over to the next cage. "Here is a dragon, breathes fire now and then." Ian leans forward and starts poking it. "Mostly at people who poke it, little boy!"

Ian, incensed by this, promptly sets Jason's hair on fire. "GAH!" Ian looks smug. Jason looks desperately in need of that big bucket of water Remy had earlier... AHEM.

"All right, all right," Remy mutters, getting up. He brings out the giant water bucket again and dumps it over Jason again. "What're we supposed to do about the wet monkey smell, though?" he asks.

Jason shoots him a death glare. "Its inside is an inferno," he goes on, "but its skin is so cold, it **burns**!" Clever watchers will note that his eye (the eyepatchless one) flares red... like a certain, muppet-on-crack-like version of Gollum we all (read me and like three other people) know and love. "It speaks seventeen languages badly, and is subject to gout. Creatures of night... brought to light!"

While Jason is rambling on about stuff we don't really care about, Kurt sneaks over by Ororo's cage.

"The satyr," Jason announces in the background. "Ladies, keep back!"

"Hey, you know, he looks kind of like Pietro," Wanda comments.

Author: -evil smirk-

"I shouldn't be here," Kurt whispers to Ororo, "but quickly... tell me what you see. Don't be afraid; the monkey smell will fade."

"AUGH!"

Kurt continues, undaunted. "Look at your fellow legends and tell me what you see."

Ororo glances first at the "manticore," and announces, "What he calls a manticore looks to be no more than a shabby toothless lion." It changes into such. Then she glances over at the cage of the "satyr." "And she has them believing that Pietro is a satyr... it's not that much of a stretch."

"I can't believe I agreed to this job!" Pietro yells, and shakes the bars.

Wanda falls over, laughing helplessly.

Pietro is Not Amused.

"Illusions! Deceptions! Mirages!" Ororo cries, annoyed. "Your Dani Fortuna cannot truly change things."

"That's true," Kurt agrees, "she can only disguise. And only for those eager to believe whatever comes easiest."

"Like Pietro," Wanda whispers to John, "eager to believe the author actually likes him just because he gets big parts in her parodies a lot."

"Urge... to kill... rising..." Pietro growls.

Wanda looks slightly bored. "I'm certain."

Pietro does a pretty good imitation of a satyr growling.

"The Midgard Serpent," Jason announces, pointing at a neverending snake coiling and uncoiling. "He's got the whole world in his coils... wasn't that rather redundant?"

Author: INSOLENCE!

Jason wisely shuts up.

"No, she can't turn cream into butter," Kurt says, "but she can make a lion look like a manticore to eyes that want to see a manticore." We see that the giant snake is really a rather tame viper. "Just as she put a false horn on a real unicorn to make them see the unicorn." The fake, blue-smoke-horn on Ororo's head shimmers. "I know you. If I were blind, I would know what you are."

"This IS a Storge, right?" Forge demands.

Author: -raised eyebrow-

"Just checking, you never know... you have a tendency for weird pairings..." (2)

"Who are you?" Ororo asks.

"I am called Kurt the Magician," Kurt explains, with a little bow. "Ah... you won't have heard of me. That's because my stage name was der Fliegen-Teufel!" (3)

"In the Munich circus, yes, WE KNOW," Kitty says, inspecting her nails. (4)

Kurt mutters something under his breath but shuts up about the circus anyway. "I entertain the sightseers as they gather for the show. It's not much of a job for a real magician, but, ah, I've had worse."

From the cage next to Ororo's we hear a screech and some nasty, ominous music starts up. We see Mystique, butt-ugly in her harpy form.

"That one is real," Ororo gasps, backing up. "And uuugly!"

Author: And you wouldn't think that the bare breasted-ness would be conducive to a PG-rated film... huh.

Mystique mutters something about just how high Ororo is on her list of people to kill.

"That is the harpy, Mystique," Ororo continues. "Yep, that's a pretty good description... manstealer."

Mystique flaps and screeches some more.

"Yes," Kurt agrees. "The old woman caught her by chance, just as she took you, asleep. Oh, she should never have meddled with a real harpy... or a black unicorn for that matter."

"Damn straight," Ororo mutters.

"Because the truth melts her magic, always," Kurt adds, looking a little P.O.'ed at being interrupted. "She's gonna free herself very soon now and she must not catch you still caged."

Then, of course, Jason (showing off Mystique) spots him, and yells, "Go on, get away from there! You know what she told you!"

"Don't be afraid, Kurt is with you," Kurt whisper. "Do nothing till you hear from me."

And with that he scoots off past the cage of the manticore.

"The unicorn," Jason announces, pointing at 'Ro. Everyone in the crowd is amazed and crap. Ooh. Touching moment... NOT!

So there's a QSC and it's night... damn, time flies when you're on a medieval clock!

We see Mystique, kindasorta sleeping.

"I don't care," Jason says, "how many damn spells you got on her. Get rid of that harpy! She thinks about it all the time, what she's going to do to us! Get rid of her, Dani!"

Dani (still in the hat, but Mystique!Raven is of course gone) glares at him. "Fool, be still! No other witch in the world holds a harpy captive, and none ever will! I choose to keep her! I can turn her into wind if she escapes, or snow, or into seven notes of music!"

"Ok, if you can do all that, why can't you make proper creatures?" Jason asks.

Dani is Not Amused. 

Mystique flaps her wings and screeches some more, only this time it's apparently a bigger deal as the ominous music starts up again and the bars on her cage start to glow... y'know, ominously.

"She is breaking loose!" Jason cries. "She's gonna eat me!"

Dani subtly kicks him. "No, not yet," she mutters, holding out her arms. She waves her hands and smokey stuff comes from them. "Not yet. You're mine. If you kill me, you're still mine."

Apparently, the smokey stuff works, because Mystique calms down and the bars stop glowing.

Dani cackles. She turns to Ororo's cage. "And you seemed like such a **nice** newby," Ororo laments.

Dani rolls her eyes. "The harpy's as real as you are... so that means she isn't?"

The rest of the cast blinks, pondering this.

Dani shakes her head. "Whatever, man," she mutters. "And just as immortal. And she was just as easy to capture, if you want to know."

"Do not boast, weird newby," Ororo responds gravely. "Your death sits in that cage, and she hears you."

"Oh, she'll kill me one day or another," Dani says, sounding a lot more cheerful about that fact than any sane person should, "but she will remember forever that I caught her, that I held her prisoner. So there's my immortality, eh? ...what am I, Canadian now?"

"HEY!" Logan yells.

"Y' can't talk," Remy responds. "No, really, y' can't talk in a Canadian accent."

Logan harrumphs and crosses his arms.

Remy gives him a WTF eyebrow for a moment.

"Now, you were on the road hunting for your own death," Dani goes on. "And I know where it awaits you. I know him... that one... no I don't! I have no clue who the Orange Bull is!"

"I-" Remy begins, but Kurt quickly smacks a hand over his mouth, chuckling nervously.

"Ixnay on the upidstay," he whispers.

"Who y' callin' upidstay!" (5)

"Do you speak of the Orange Bull?" Ororo asks, deciding to ignore the idiots. "Tell me if you do, and where he is, if you know."

"The Orange Bull of King Magnus," Dani agrees. "So you know of the Bull! Well, he'll not have you. You belong to me... that sounded really, really kinky."

"You know better," Ororo agrees.

"I thought you would," Kitty replies, "after all we found all that leather in your room..." (6)

Ororo shoots her a horsey death glare. "Keep your poor shadows if you will, but let me go. And let her go, too. I cannot see her caged. She is real, like me. We are two sides of the same magic. Let her go. No, no, please, leave her there... that's all I need, **more** competition for Forge."

"There's more people after me?" Forge asks, not certain whether to look afraid or elated.

"Uh... no..." Kurt says. "Are there?" he asks Remy, who shrugs.

"Have y' ever seen another pairing fic with evo Forge?" is his response.

"...Good point." (7)

"I'd quit show business first!" Dani cries. "Do you think I don't know what the true witchery is, just because I do what I do? There's not a witch in the world that hasn't laughed at Dani Fortuna and her homemade horrors... but there's not one would've dared... dared what?"

"To lick a fish?" John asks, and Wanda gives him a WTF look. (8)

"The harpy and me, we are not for you," Ororo responds, blinking placidly.

"Who are you for then?"

"I don't think I've ever heard a more pointless question," Remy mutters.

"Do you really think those fools knew you without any help from me?" Dani laughs rather nastily. "No! I had to give you a horn they could see! These days, it takes a cheap mutant trick to make folk recognize a real unicorn."

The fake horn on Ororo's head glints, right on cue.

"But the Orange Bull will know you when he sees you, so you are safer here! You should thank me for protecting you!"

Ororo turns her head and admires her reflection in the bars.

Jamie begins to hum "You're So Vain" (his CD collection having been confisticated) only to have Rahne step on his foot. Jamie wisely shuts up.

"End of chapter!" Remy shouts. "Now where'd my bourbon go..."

"A question for the ages," John agrees.

(Indeed it is. A better one is why don't people review?)

(1) Crack from "Mutants of the Caribbean." 

(2) Well, I do... and by the by, the Riotr-ness would be because Remy dies... if I ever get around to that fic you'll get it.

(3) His stage name in the circus, according to the InterNutter and Babelfish.

(4) Anyone else think how much Movie!Kurt goes on about the Munich circus a little annoying? And the poor lad won't even get to redeem himself in the third movie... -bursts into tears thanks to movie crappiness and lack of Kurt-

(5) Line from _The Lion King_ of course.

(6) I THINK this is a reference to a Toddfan fic; oh, well, I remember reading SOMEWHERE that when the girls did roomraids Ororo turned out to have a bunch of S&M stuff.

(7) Seriously, have you? If you can find me a fic with Forge in a pairing that's not Storge, I'll write a oneshot for you.

(8) ...this was Clover's MSN signature today... I thought it was so weird I had to reference it. "Truth or Dare?" "Dare." "Lick the fish." "No!" "Lick it!"


	5. The Slut of Bayville Strikes Again!

Disclaimer: "Keep smoking, you're gonna get hit by a bus!"

(An: JP does NOT have Spock eyebrows! I say it a third time! He's also the Canadian in "The Cafe"... hmm, maybe I should change it to French guy... there. I bunged up a bit about the evil plotbunny. SATISFIED! -eye twitches-)

"This is the part where I die, right?" Dani asks.

In the background, Forge does a dance. (1)

Dani shoots him a death glare.

"_Oui, oui,_" Remy says, flapping a hand at her.

"So this means after that I can go and make out with Rob?" (2) 

"...uh... sure..."'

"Cool!"

Rob doesn't exactly seem displeased about this, either.

"Let's get started," Remy suggests, "before y'all get all 'Cheyennes Gone Wild' on us," he adds in a mutter.

As usual, Mystique does her whole I'm-a-Harpy-So-I-Gotta-Screech bit. 

Then Kurt runs over. "Mom... shirtless... NYAGH!"

"Dat's old hat, _mon ami_," Remy points out. "We saw it last chapter, remember?"

"Mystique, the slut of Bayville strikes again!" Forge yells. (2)

Kurt's eye twitches, but he manages to get himself under control. He clears his throat, and walks up to Ororo's cage. "Kurt is with you," he announces.

"...I can see that," Ororo deadpans.

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't get away any sooner," Kurt continues, undaunted.

"There has never been bad special effects on me before," Ororo murmurs. Random much?

Forge looks hurt.

The fake horn glimmers. "There has never been a world in which I was not known."

Kurt nods. "Oh, I know exactly how you feel. It's a very rare person who's taken for what he truly is."

"Will you help me?"

"Oh, if not you, no one," Kurt replies. "...I thought this was a Kurtty..."

Author: It **is** a Kurtty.

"SO WHAT'S UP WITH THE KURORO!"

Author: -shrug- Don't ask me, I didn't write the script.

"You're my last chance," Kurt goes on, his eye twitching even more. 

"Can you truly set me free?"

"Dani Fortuna doesn't think so," Kurt states. "She sees me as a clumsy fraud, a trickster." He strikes a pose. "But I am Kurt the Magician, the last of the Red-hot Swamis! And I too am real, like you... like her." Kurt gestures at his mom, looking squicked.

"You know, Shmendrick the Magician always sounded so much more impressive," Kitty comments.

Kurt shoots her puppy-dog eyes. "Yes, I will help you."

"Where is the monkey?"

"The line," Jason snaps between gritted teeth, "is 'where is the other MAN!'"

"Jason?" Kurt asks, ignoring him. "Don't worry about him. I asked him a riddle, and it always takes that lout all night to solve riddles. And now..." Kurt reaches into his cloak. He chants some impressive sounding crap and the Forest Theme starts up.

The cage fades away and Ororo appears to be in front of her forest, with all her animal friends... even the dodos.

"The extinct flightless bird of Canada!" Logan cries... again.

"You're really stuck on that, aren't you," Jubilee observes.

"Why, yes, yes I am!"

Ororo seems shocked, and then notsomuch as the forest disappears and she's back in her cage. "What a ripoff."

"Oh, sorry," Kurt mumbles. "I would have liked that to have been the spell that freed you. It's a particularly nice one." He strokes his chin, a la Sigmund Freud. "Let's try this one. Okay!" He chants some mystic mumbo jumbo and does a little god dance. (3) "This is a super spell," he adds. "The bars are now as brittle as old cheese, which I crumble and scatter so!" He grabs the bars, which glow bright blue... rather like the fake horn.

"Eh, don't look at me," Forge replies. "With magic-y stuff, you take what you get, my friends."

The blue glow, of course, burns Kurt's hands. "Whoo," says Kurt, wiping them on his shirt. "I must've gotten the accent wrong. It comes and it goes."

"Try again, once more. It's funny to see you get burned... literally!"

Kurt glares at her. "You **know,** I could just take my coffee break now and leave you in there for another ten minutes..."

Ororo feigns innocence. "There's very little time left. Hurry!"

"Unicorn, black, psychic, I'm not surprised she's not single," Remy mutters.

"Damn straight she's not single!" Forge agrees. "No matter what those damn Evo execs say..."

Kurt whistles and throws some powder from a sack. The powder glows bright yellow and settles over the cage as he chants. He gasps and the cage starts to shrink.

"Oh, stop!" Ororo gasps. "The bars!"

"No, no," Kurt mumbles, not seeming unduly worried. He chants some more and the shrinkage quits. "And that is why you should always wash your Iron-Cages-of-Death in cold water, people!" He falls to his knees. "I dare no more. The next time, I might not be able to."

"Try again," Ororo begs. "The spell was wrong, but there was true special effects in it. Try again."

"My dear," Kurt says, and his eye twitches at the Kuroro again, "you deserve the services of a great wizard, but I'm afraid you'll have to be glad of the aid of a second-rate pickpocket."

Remy glares at Kurt. "I can't **believe** I was considered for this role!" (4)

Kurt pulls out a big clunky keyring. He goes over and puts it in the lock, which laughs at him a la the lock in _A Christmas Carol_. (6) "Some magician! Some magician!"

"Ah, turn blue," Kurt mutters. "...**hey**..." (5)

"Hurry!" Ororo whispers, and for some reason her actual horn is glowing blue this time.

Everyone turns to look at Forge. "Hey, don't ask me... animation error, maybe." (6)

"Gah!" the lock mutters as Kurt finally undoes it.

He opens the cage door. "Step down, lady, you are free!"

There's a shiny bit around Ororo as she whinnies. 

Then we hear the voice of a monkey. "Why do you keep using the monkey joke!" Jason cries.

Author: Eh, I dunno- there's something distinctly funny about the way Evo styled you.

"Ok, Kurt," he says, walking out from behind a cage. "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" (7)

Ororo wisely runs off.

"The cage!" Jason gasps, noticing it. "You have taken my keys! Why, you thin thief! She'll string you on barbed wire to make a necklace for a harpy!"

Author: You know, the line's supposed to be said a lot jerkier than that.

"I had to do fragments in chapter three; I refuse to do it again!"

"Run!" Kurt yells. He tackles Jason and they roll around in the dust.

Ororo gallops off to the "manticore's" cage, touching the lock with her horn. The illusion falls off and the lion runs away.

"You pile of stones!" Kurt yells. "...Wha t kind of an insult is **that**?"

"A medieval one," Kitty replies.

"Is Kitty!Smart like the runnin' joke for this fic?" Rogue asks.

"I guess," Remy murmurs. "But de author'll forget soon, just y' wait... and why are y' still here, anyway!"

"Ah play the random guitar to Piotr's singin', dumbass," Rogue replies.

"Ah. Right," Remy replies with an "I'm-Sure" look.

Kurt pins Jason. "I'll set all your toenails growing inward if you mess with me! ...again, what the **hell** kind of insult is that?"

Kitty looks vaguely annoyed that her smartness has gone unnoticed.

Then there's some more rolling and Jason pins him. "Some magician! You couldn't turn cream into cheese, you Kurt, you! ...for once, the blue guy is right... these insults **suck**!"

Ororo walks up to Pietro's cage and pauses. "Nah, I'll just leave you in there."

Pietro shakes the bars and swears... a lot... too much for me to put in and keep a PG rating.

Then, of course, she turns to Mystique's cage. Mystique does IHSIGS bit.

Kurt punches Jason on the side of the head and finally gets away from him. He sees Ororo heading for Mystique's cage. "No, she'll kill you! Run! She'll kill you if you set her free! ...put a shirt on her instead!"

"Set me free," Mystique begs. "We are sisters, you and I." 

Ororo looks at her and makes a nervous little squeaky noise. Then she puts her horn to the lock.

"No!" Kurt yells.

Mystique flaps her wings and the whole cage falls apart. "Now that's power, you see!" she yells. She flaps up and then swoops down at Ororo, but apparently all 'Ro has to do to deter Mysty is shake her horn.  
Mystique tries again, the same thing happening.

Then, of course, Dani comes out of wherever she hangs out. She cackles. "...So, this is when I die, right?"

Remy nods.

"Sweet!" She cackles some more, just for the hell of it. "Not alone! You never could have freed yourselves alone! I held you!"

This pisses off Mystic quite a bit- even more than me using her nickname- and she swoops down at Dani, who holds her arms out.

We don't see her die, of course, since this is a kid's movie; we just see Ororo and Kurt wince. And of course we see Mystique, with her back turned and wings glowing red. That's nice. Reeeal nice.

"Run! You must run! Oh, God, run! Run away from here now!" Kurt cries. "We need to get away from the full-frontal-ness!"

"No," Ororo replies. "Come with me. Come with me!" she repeats, because people in this movie like to repeat themselves.

There's a monkey gasp. What exactly it means, I'm not sure... but it probably means the XME Monkey Mascot is getting too much full-frontal as well.

Kurt winces.

"Don't look back, and don't run. You must never run from anything immortal. It attracts their attention." So they walk off.

Apparently, not running does the trick, because when Mystique finishes her Dani dinner, she doesn't spot them.

In the way of this movie (since they've been slacking off) suddenly it's morning.

Kurt is huddled up under a tree. "Oh, that poor old woman," he mumbles. "I didn't want it to- I didn't know!"

There is a QSC to Dani and Rob making out.

"Dude, that is disturbing on **so** many levels," Forge mutters.

QSC back to Ororo and Kurt. "She chose her death, long ago," Ororo says. "It was the fate she wanted."

"And you, you have no regrets as I do?"

"Yes, actually; seeing Mystique with her shirt off is **not** going in my happy memories box."

"LINE!" Remy yells. "Even though I agree wit' y'."

"Fine, fine," Ororo mutters. "I can never regret. I can feel sorrow, but it's not the same thing."

"Where will you go now? Far, far away from my mother, I hope?"

"I'm looking for others like me."

"Fat chance; all the other unicorns in this movie are white."

"Everybody's a racist!" Ororo yells. (8)

"Yep," Kurt agrees.

Seeing this has no effect, Ororo just sighs. "Have you seen them, magician?"

"No, I've never seen anyone like you... not while I was awake, anyway... ok, that sounded **so** perverted."

"From y', _oui_," Remy agrees.

"A butterfly told me of an Orange Bull who pushed all the other unicorns to the ends of the earth. And Dani Fortuna spoke of a King Mags. So I'm going where they are, to learn whatever they know."

"Wasn't he drunk at the time?" Kurt points out.

"Yeah, well, still," Ororo replies.

Kurt momentarily gets a look on his face as Ororo starts off that says "Do I really wanna follow a black unicorn who's following the advice of a drunk butterfly and a crazy Cheyenne chick?"

"RACIST!" Dani yells, then goes back to macking with Rob.

The expression disappears and Kurt starts after her. "Take me with you. For luck. For laughs. For the unknown."

"You may come with me, if you like, but I wish you had asked for some other reward for having freed me."

"Well, I thought about it, but you could never grant my true wish."

"No, I couldn't erase the image of your full-frontal mom from your mind."

Kurt shrieks and Rem yells "LINE!"

Ororo clears her throat. "No, I cannot turn you into something you are not. I cannot turn you into a true magician."

"That's all right," Kurt says. "Don't worry about it. I found some brain bleach, anyway."

"Share it with me," Ororo says, and seeing Remy's WTF eyebrow, adds, "I'm not."

"_D'accord,_ that's a wrap!" Remy yells.

"Oh, thank GOD!" Jason yells. "I can leave!"

"And mom can put a shirt on!" Kurt adds.

"No!" Mystique yells, reveling in her harpy-full-frontal-ness. In front of Forge (who is looking squicked) of course.

"I'm gonna go throw up now," Forge mutters.

(And that's that, mes amies. I'm glad so many of y'all like it.)

(1) Forge and Dani are both Cheyenne. Dani doesn't like Forge because he ditched them and his responsibilities. Forge doesn't like her 'cause he's a jerk like that.

(2) A reference from QFS, of course. Forge calls Mystique "The Slut of Bayville" because she flirts with EVERYONE in that fic.

(3) Line from "The Road to El Dorado" of course.

(4) It's true; this was originally gonna be a Romy... and then I decided against it. 'Cause I'm picky like that. I mentioned as such in some chapter of "The Cajun and the Artist."

(5) I quite like this quote; I use it in several of my things. I think...

(6) I have no idea why the unicorn's horn glows blue. I just thought it was very weird.

(7) The quintessential riddle without an answer, from the Alice books. The answer Carrol eventually provided was "They both produce notes, and each are very flat." I only have useless knowledge where anything Alice or TLU is involved, so there.

(8) The racist line is what Da Hatta from the Foamy series always yells.


	6. Forge Be Stupid Day

Disclaimer: "You ever notice how a tumor looks just like cheese?"

(An: Here we go again... funfun.)

"Y' know," Remy comments, looking at his clipboard, "y' two should really come up for air."

Rob and Dani don't even blink. (1)

"Hey, hey, leave off," Bobby says. "This is good business. Step right up, place your bets!"

**Now** Dani and Rob break it off. "Shall we kill him together?" Rob suggests.

Dani gets a very evil look. "Lets."

"I'd run now, if I were you," Kurt says to Bobby, who books for the exit.

So Kurt and Ororo set off across some random backgrounds. Some screaming can be heard, but everyone ignores that. "What do you know of King Magneto?"

"I have heard that he's an old man who rules over barren country by the sea," Kurt replies.

"Why are there **always** old jokes about me?" Magneto moans.

"There wasn't," Remy responds. "But now there is!"

Magneto glares at him.

"Some say that Magneto's land was green and soft, once, before he came," Kurt goes on. "But the minute he touched it it became hard and gray."

"Tell me about the Orange Bull."

"Why are y' askin' him for?" Remy interjects. "**I'm** his best friend."

Rogue backhands him.

"Ow! What was that for? It's not like they haven't already guessed it!" (2)

"Yeah, but we're still not supposed to make asinine comments," Rogue responds.

Remy glares at her.

"The Orange Bull?" Kurt says, ignoring them. "Well, I've heard too many tales to tell you the truth."

Now Ororo and Kurt start across a river, going from stone to stone.

"I've heard that the Bull is real, that the Bull is Australian- I mean, a ghost."

Kurt being Kurt, he stumbles and steadies himself on Ororo. "Uh, sorry."

Author: For those of you not up on unicorn lore, it's a rather nasty sensation for them to be touched by anyone but female virgins. Even boy virgins (like Kurt) are too nasty.

Kurt looks even more flustered.

Remy looks squicked and backs away. "Eww..."

Kurt's eye twitches. "Who said I was a virgin!"

"Your girlfriend," Rogue replies, with a "duh" look.

Kitty's smile is just pure evil.

Eager to get off the subject of virginity, Kurt and Ororo start off again through the random backgrounds. "I've heard that the Bull protects Magneto or it keeps him a prisoner in his own castle... there are so many stories."

"Oh, _Dieu,_" Remy mutters. "Where's Hank?"

Kurt pulls a butterfly net from his cloak. Inside is Hank, who still appears to be drunk. "Toads make excellent canon fodder, but you have to deep-fry them first..." he mumbles.

"Say de damn line, please," Remy begs, looking severely weirded out.

"They passed down all the roads long ago," Hank slurs, "and the Orange Bull ran close behind them and covered their footprints."

Again, we see that image of the unicorns RLF down a road. Ororo whinnies and rears. Come on, you knew it was coming.

"All in favor of de-butterfly-ing Hank at de end of de chapter?" Remy asks.

"AYE!" everyone else shouts.

There's a QSC, going from Ororo and Kurt on a mountain to Ororo and Kurt in a forest.

Kurt is humming to himself. He pulls out two oranges from his pack and starts to juggle them, fake ones appearing in the air. He pauses, offering one to Ororo. "Want one?"

Ororo just stares at him, and Kurt tucks everything back into his pack. Well, that was sufficiently pointless...

"How much further is it?" Ororo asks.

"This is the edge of Magneto's kingdom. It's very, very dangerous country. Dani Fortuna never came within miles of here."

"Well, yeah, if it made you hum and juggle oranges then that's obvious," Dani says.

"Shut up and be dead!" Kurt yells.

Dani pulls a face at him and then goes back to macking with Rob.

So we see a bunch of horse riders come down the road.

Kurt pauses, pointy ears twitching.

"Is it your snack sense?" Kitty asks. (3)

"No- well, yes! Ororo's lemon squares are done!"

Jamie immediately dashes off from the sound system to go grab some lemony goodness. (4)

Ororo rolls her eyes and kicks Kurt... really hard.

"OW!" Kurt falls over, clutching his knee. "...medic..."

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Kurt is pretty much as good as new, a reeeeally big bandaid over his leg.

"It's simply **amazing** what modern technology can do," Remy deadpans, and Forge nods eagerly. "...Sarcasm just goes right over your head, doesn't it."

So Kurt finally gets to say his line now! "Listen! Uh-oh! I was afraid of that! Run swiftly, hide yourself! We'll find each other later."

"Why? Who are they? ...Naive, much?" Ororo asks.

"Spare us the sarcasm, 'Ro," Remy says, inspecting his nails.

"You keep talking about this 'sarcasm'. What is it?" Forge asks.

Remy stares at him, incredulous. "Is it like Forge Be Stupid Day or something?"

Forge blinks.

"Isn't that every day?" Kurt asks. "Oh, come on, I had to say it..."

"Y' must have a death wish, no matter how stupid Forge is," Remy responds.

"Why don't we just get on with the scene?" Ororo "asks", eye twitching rather nastily.

"Outlaws!" Kurt yells, in answer to 'Ro's question which we have all probably forgotten by now.

"Seriously, what's sarcasm?" Forge asks.

"If I were human, I'd **so** smack him... did that sound weird?" (5)

Kurt just gives her a "duh" look and then clambers into a tree.

The Brotherhood (sans Wanda) ride up, Todd in front for no apparent reason. He stops in front of the tree Kurt climbed into. "Whoa, what have we here?" he asks, chuckling nastily as he eyes the edge of Kurt's cloak. "Aw, man, not this **again**, yo! I thought you were done with me!"

Author: Just because QFS was the only parody in which you didn't have a significant part... or **any** part, for that matter...  
(6)

"Aye, lads," Todd goes on. "Mind your heads now!" He pulls Kurt down onto the saddle, making for something rather slashy. "EW... yo!"

"I second that," Kurt mutters, edging as far away from Kurt as he can without falling off the saddle.

"It's raining ninnies!" He and the rest of the B-hood chuckle. And then they ride off again, Ororo peering out from behind a bush.

For a moment on a tree we see "LA loves KP" inside a heart (ew) and "Down with King Mags." The last bit is crossed out to read "the crazy old guy." (7)

"I'm **not** old, dammit!"

"Rat soup!" Fred cries, sampling his mug. "Again, rat soup!" He tosses it away.

"At least she could use a different rat, the third night, anyway," Pietro agrees. He then stands up and begins to do a "minor-part" dance. (8)

There's hoofbeats as the rest of the group approaches (since it's night again apparently it took them a while to get to their camp).

"Put me down, you fool!" Kurt cries, shaking his fist, 'cause that's cool.

"Ah, lie quiet there," Todd replies. "You're for Cap'n Lance himself, you are." He smushes Kurt down.

"That... looks really kinky," Kitty comments in the background.

"A pox on you, woman, a pox!" Kurt cries, shaking his fist again and nearly falling out of the saddle.

Lance pushes past two random INRPJPD. (9) "Well, Todd Tolenksy," says Lance, and I think that's the first time he's ever called Todd by his first name. "And who is you bring us? Comrade or captive?"

"I don't know what he is myself," Todd replies. "He's a ratty plush toy, yo."

Kurt attempts to bite Todd, and then seems to think better of it.

"What happened, Lance? We were out looking for likely travelers like always."

"Add some more water to the soup, love," Lance says, with more tact and respect for his partner than he's ever shown in a relationship before, probably. "There's company."

"I'll not have it, Lance," Kitty cries, pushing past the INRPJDs herself and generally being P.O.'ed. "Not another mouth to feed. The soup's no thicker than sweat as it is."

Fred and Pietro exchange glances that suggest they want to go throw up after the ending.

"My love, where's your Bayville hospitality? ...this **is** Bayville hospitality," Lance says.

"My point." Kitty then turns her verbal abuse to Kurt. "And who's this long lout? I don't like the look of him. Slit his wizard... I **so** do not get that."

"Ah, there's my not-smart girl," Kurt sighs.

Kitty gives him an "I'll get you later" look.

Kurt sits up (still in front of Todd). "I wouldn't do that because I am Kurt the Magician." He hops off the horse to avoid further Kurt/Todd jokes. "And you must be the famous Captain Lance, boldest of the bold and freest of the free."

"That I am," Lance agrees, looking tickled to have someone remember his name.

"He's guessing, Lance," Kitty replies."Gut him... before he does you the way the last one did oh my GOD that sounded wrong... hmm... Kurt/Lance might be interesting, though." That evil look comes back.

Kurt and Lance both look horrified.

"That's only Kitty Pryde's way," Lance stammers. "What, to be mean **and** perverted in the same sentence?"

"Yeah, that sounds like Kitty," Kurt comments, and Kitty slaps him. "Ow!"

"That's what you get!"

"But she has a good heart, a good heart," Lance says, touching her shoulder and winking at the camera.

"Off with ya," Kitty replies, shoving him off.

"And this lady, don't tell me, she must be your faithful and beautiful companion," Kurt adds, winking at Kitty, who smirks.

"Maybe he does now," Kitty says, leaning against a tree.

Lance snorts. "Yes, splendid woman," he agrees. He grabs Kurt around the shoulders. "You are welcome here, sorcerer. Come to the fire and tell me what you've heard of dashing Captain Alvers and his band of free men." They sit. "Have a taco... that was weird."

"Man, I am **sick** of all the slashy subtext," Todd mutters, stalking off.

"How do you think **I** feel?" Kurt yells after him. He turns to Kitty. "Tell me you didn't mean that Kurt/Lance bit. Please."

Kitty just saunters off to her dressing room, the evil smile returning.

Kurt squeaks.

(As you might be able to tell by now, I think Kurt/Todd is funny and I really dislike Lancitty. And this is shorter than usual, but there wasn't any other good place to stop.Review!)

(1) I love Rob/Dani. Blame Toddfan.

(2) And if you haven't guessed it... there's this bridge to Hawaii I'd like to tell you about...

(3) Kurt has a snack sense, according to the Nutboarders... and "Shall We Flirt?"

(4) Jamie loves Ororo's lemon squares, according to me and "Double Trouble"... it's the lamest title ever for a Jamie fic, I know.

(5) I fear this may become the "Did that sound gay?" of this fic.

(6) It's true; Todd is Khalil in "Mutants and Vegetables Just Don't Mix" and Fido in "The Cajun and the Artist." This is called a shameless plug. I do them a lot. Suck it up.

(7) There really is that graffiti; you have to watch closely to see it, though. Of course, it's not Evo-ised, but it's there, dammit! It's like Yumi's Totoro pillow in Code: Lyoko.

(8) Pietro also has large parts in everything but "Quest for Sanity." He's Jonah and Zigzag respectively.

(9) I'm Not Really a Person, Just a Plot Device. X-band crack. By the way, if anyone had a suggestion for the Pyro insanity chapter, it'd be appreciated... I'm a little stuck... -sweatdrop-


	7. Forge STILL Gets No Love

Disclaimer: "When in doubt, nod and smile."

(An: Starting afresh... meh. More fun with Robin Hood wannabes. As for why this is going up on a Monday- it's Labor Day here in the States, meaning NO SCHOOL!)

"There aren't gonna be any creepy slash references, are there?" Lance asks.

"Wanna burrito?" Kurt asks. "That would be a yes, then?" (1)

Lance facepalms.

Remy looks squicked. "Eh, let's get started... before this goes any further..."

"For once, Ah agree with you," Rogue comments.

Remy jumps, since she apparently just appeared of nowhere. "What are you doing here!"

"Ah told you, Ah'm the random guitar player," Rogue replies. "Ok, so it wasn't in the cast list... but it's still fun ta freak you out."

Remy rolls his eyes.

Lance clears his throat and Remy makes a "go ahead, if you must" gesture. "You're a lucky guest this evening, magician. My minstrel, Robby Gentle here, was just about to inspire us by singing one of the adventures of bold Captain Lance and his men."

Rob, who does not look thrilled about this, stands up. The rest of the random people boo and hiss.

"MEOW!" Sabretooth yells.

"Godammit Logan, get him out of here!" Ororo shrieks. (2)

Logan shrugs. "Couldn't resist." He tackles Sabretooth.

"Hey, Robby," Ray says, obviously pleased with the opportunity to get to call Roberto "Robby", "not that thing again."

"I'm going to kill you later," Rob mouths.

Kitty straightens up from leaning against her tree and cries, "Robby, sing us a true song! Sing us one about Robin Hood! ...ok, wait wait wait. Why doesn't Robin Hood get a weird fake name change?"

Author: It was too much of a hassle. This thing already has too many random characters to begin with. And besides, I only give real parts to people with lines. Usually.

This seems to annoy Lance (the Robin Hood thing, not the line thing). "Well, that too- you're not at **all** consistent."

"Ok, that sounded weird," Ororo comments from the bushes. (3)

"Y're supposed to be hidin', y' know," Remy says, from the director's chair.

"And just **why** do you give a damn?"

"Because I have ABSOLUTE POWER!" Remy lets off a pretty decent evil cackle.

Ororo blinks. "Oh, God, not that again..."

Lance clears his throat and stands up abruptly, shoving Kurt's face into the dirt. "Right. There is no Robin Hood! Robin Hood is a myth!" He stalks off for no apparent reason.

The other random people turn to watch and Ororo leans out of her bush, horn glowing.

Author: This is another one of those parts I don't get. What's the point? There was never anything like it in the book. It's just plain **weird**... ok, maybe that wasn't the best way to make my case...

So Ororo's horn (her real horn; somewhere along the line the fake one disappeared) glows blue.

Then Kurt stands up (spitting out dirt) and holds his hands above his head, mumbling, "Magic, magic do as you will." He stutters this repeatedly as the trees sparkle and the wind howls.

The random people blink. 

There's a funny sound as one of Forge's machines blow up. Kind of like "Squeeeeerrrr." Lance stops wandering off and turns back to the campfire. Kitty blinks.

...and after all that, nothing happens. The sparkles go away, the wind dies down, and Kurt collapses.

"Now, lads, with that out of the way-" Lance begins, obviously trying to make it out like it was his idea.

But Kitty interrupts him. She points over at somewhere and cries, "Look! Oh, look there!"

Kurt blinks, as a ghosty image of a guy in a random green suit and a chick in a green dress walk past, arm in arm.

"Hey, doesn't that look like Remy and Rogue?" Kitty whispers to Kurt, who shrugs. (4)

Lance, being stupid, walks up to the fake Romy and says, "Sir, Madam, I bid you welcome to my domain... oh, no, there's no way I'm gettin' near **that** asshole!"

Kitty subtly kicks him, being a master of Chick Fu.

"My name is Captain Lance of Bayville-"

Then, of course, Remy and Rogue walk **through** him and then through the fire.

"Can you do that?" Wanda asks Pyro.

"Never tried," Pyro replies, looking thoughtful.

"Why did y' have t' give him an idea?" Remy asks.

"Wait, aren't you over there?" Wanda says, blinking.

"For once," Remy responds with a rather nasty smirk, "Forge got something right."

"And I suppose you all are going to forget my numerous sucessful shape-changes with aid of the purple thing, or the RLLT!" (5)

"...Yeah," everyone else agrees, after thinking about it for a second.

Forge facepalms.

"Oh!" Kitty gasps. "Robin Hood and Marian! ...who look suspiciously like Remy and Rogue, but that's not in the script!"

A fat man and a minstrel follow them. The fat man looks suspiciously like Hank, and the minstrel looks suspiciously like Rob.

"Friar Tuck?" Ray gasps. "That's Friar Tuck! ...and I care... **why**?"

The random people make comments on all the Robin Hood people (who all look like X-people). That's a lot of people, yo.

"What is this?" Lance demands. "This is not happening. Robin Hood is a myth! We are the reality."

"Actually," Forge points out, "we're only one of them."

"Shut up!" Kurt hisses. "You don't want us to get involved in some big AU fiasco, do you!"

"Good point," Forge agrees. "Comic me had waaaay too much angst."

The ghost Robin Hood people drift on along their way, ignoring Lance, like the normal people.

"Magic is magic!" Lance proclaims. "But the truth is us!"

"Like you would know anything about it," Forge snorts.

"Robin? Mr. Hood, sir?" Ray calls after the ghost people. "Little John? Will? Wait for me!"

He starts after them, and then the other random people follow.

Kurt chuckles as even Kitty runs off, with a cry of "Wait! Wait for me, Marian!"

"As if," Rogue says, popping up behind Remy seemingly out of nowhere again.

"Y're givin' me heart attacks here!" Remy yells, jumping about a foot. (6)

Kurt laughs some more, sounding a little maniacal. "It worked! It worked! I said, 'magic, do as you will' and it worked!"

"It's not that much of a surprise," Forge mutters.

"You do know that's in the script, right?" Kurt replies. "Although it **is** rather shocking."

"Everybody's a racist."

"That was a dangerous diversion, Sir Fuzzy Guy," Lance says, drawing his sword as he and Todd grab Kurt.

"He's no ordinary freakshow, Lance," Todd agrees. "I don't know what he is, tell you the truth."

There's a QSC to Lance and Todd tying Kurt to a tree. A tree, that if one were willing to think like that, appears to have a face... and a rack bigger than Mystique's.

"GAH!" Kurt yells. "I did **not** need reminding!"

"I'm **so** glad we got here after the boss lady left," Todd whispers to Lance, who for once appears to agree with him.

"Tie him up," Todd says, "and guard him through the night, Lance. In the morning, we'll see what can be done with a wizard who can call up Robin Hood."

"That sounded really kinky," Kitty calls.

Todd looks squicked. "Should be worth something, eh, Lance?"

"Yes indeed, we'll sell him," Lance agrees. "We'll both be gentleman of leisure in a month's time." He and Todd walk off, muttering about the author's weird slash fetishes.

Author: You're **supposed** to walk off chuckling.

Todd and Lance just stare for a moment, and then walk offset.

So now Kurt is left, all alone, tied between the giant boobs of a willow. He doesn't mind, though. "I don't even care!" he yells, reinforcing my point. He yells something random.

There's a funny noise as some more of Forge's equipment breaks, and the tree turns purple and... **alive**!

Author: No matter how many times I watch this movie (and that's a lot), this bit never fails to weird me out.

"Oh, oh," the tree turned Amanda sighs. She seems very pleased to find Kurt between her boobs. "Oh, I love you! I love you! Lovelovelovelovelove!"

"That's not much different then how she acts in the show," Kitty mutters.

"Oh, what have I done?" Kurt mumbles. "Hey, I'm not complaining."

"Always, always faithfulness beyond any man's deserving," Amanda declares, hugging him with her branches and pointedly ignoring Kitty (and Kurt's) protests. "I will keep the color of your eyes when no other in the world remembers your name... but they keep changing!" (7)

"Wow, originality," Kitty mutters. "Skank."

"What was that!" Amanda demands.

"Nothing," Kitty replies, whistling.

"There is no immortality but a tree's love," Amanda coos, deciding to ignore Kitty again.

"Oh, God," Kurt mumbles. "I'm engaged to a Douglas fir. Help, unicorn where are you!" Amanda caresses him with a strand of flowers.

Ororo comes out of her random bush and there's a crack of thunder and lightning and all that jazz. "Oh, galls and fire blight! She shall never have you, the hussy!" (8)

Kitty humphs in the background. Everyone ignores her.

"We will perish together!"

"Uh, no," Ororo mutters, walking against the wind. She touches the ropes with her horn and they fall away, and the tree stiffens up, going back to... y'know, being a tree.

Kurt follows after Ororo, looking extremely relieved.

"Did you see me?" Kurt stammers, in a QSC to deeper in the forest. "Were you watching? Did you see what I made?"

"Yes," Ororo agrees. "It was true magic."

"Yeah!" Kurt agrees, thrilled. "It's gone now, but I had it. It had me, but it's gone. I couldn't hold it."

"Amazingly," Ororo comments dryly to the camera, "he usually makes even less sense when he's excited.

"Amen t' dat," Remy agrees. "Cream cheese." He shakes his head, muttering to himself. (9) "And dat's a wrap, by the way!"

"Oh, yeah, quit before I really get a part," Kitty mutters.

"It's between a chapter that's slightly too short, or a longer chapter that the author's too lazy to write," Remy responds.

Author: Damn straight.

Kitty mutters something (it sounds like "I'm gonna go murder Amanda") and stalks off.

(Again, can you tell I'm not really a Kurmanda fan? Comics is good but Evo Amanda is rather annoying... that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it, dammit!)

(1) ...PB, I -really- don't get why that's perverted, but okaaaay...

(2) Crack from "Mutants and Vegetables Just Don't Mix."

(3) You see!

(4) Remy and Rogue were Robin and Marian in Toddfan's parody, "Mutants in Tights: A Parody of a Parody."

(5) The RLLT is some weird, threatening device from Dis Chick Digs Da Fuzzy Dude's parody. DAMN that's a hassle to type.

(6) Line from "The Thief and the Cobbler", which is of course what "The Cajun and the Artist" parodies.

(7) My personal Evo animation bugbear- eyes are never the same color from screenshot to screenshot. Kurt's were originally yellow, but with pupils, and then they became black and white... it's really very confusing.

(8) "Galls and fire blight" is one of my favorite "can't swear here so this'll have to do" phrases.


	8. Shortness and an Explanation

Disclaimer: "Sweet dreams are made of cheese."

(An: I know, I know, I'm a pathetic slacker, etc. etc. I'll work on some real fics... eventually.)

"And here we get t' de random, Kitty-bitchy part," Remy comments, flipping through the script.

Author: I did say she was a jaded maid in the summary... and she's apparently the Greenwood bicycle or something in this story...

Kitty's eye twitches. "Leaving us so early, magician?" she asks, leaning against a tree with an "I need to kill someone" look.

Kurt and Ororo stop walking. Apparently, Ororo thinks that all bushes will hide her, even when someone's already seen her, because she ducks into one in a flash of shiny "I'm a unicorn! Whee!" light.

"No!" Kitty gasps. "Could it truly be? Oh!" Ororo realizes that she's been had and steps out from the bush. "Where have you been? Where have you been? Damn you, where have you been!"

Ororo blinks, WTF-ly.

"Idunno, I don't get it either," Kitty whispers.

Kurt steps up in front of Ororo as Kitty runs at her. "Don't you talk to her that way."

"I am here now," Ororo responds, still with the WTF? look.

Kitty pushes past Kurt, laughing bitterly. "And where were you twenty years ago, ten years ago? Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent young maidens you always come to?"

"Kitty, I highly doubt you were**ever** an 'innocent young maiden,'" Rogue drawls. "Even before you were born."

Kitty pauses in her tirade to pull a face at Rogue.

"It's always de quiet ones," Remy mutters.

Kitty glares at him, and then pauses. "...What was my line?"

Remy flips through his script. "Somebody get Alex. She needs t' cry for dis bit."

Alex appears out of nowhere, holding some of his onions. He goes over and leans against a tree. The nasty smell of onions fills the air, and Kitty's eyes start to water. (1)

"How dare you!" Kitty gasps, sniffling. "How dare you come to me now, when I am this!" She starts to cry outright, and Ororo nuzzles her.

"It's a horsey kinda love," Alex comments. Kurt kicks him.

"Can you really see her?" Kurt asks. "Do you really know what she is?"

"If you had been waiting to see a unicorn as long as I have..." Kitty mumbles, sitting on the ground.

"She's the last unicorn in the world."

"And the only black one," Ororo proclaims, tossing her mane.

"It **would** be a black unicorn that came to Kitty Pryde," she mutters. Kitty stands, sweeping her hair back. She pats Ororo. "It's all right. I forgive you."

"Racist," Ororo mutters.

"Well, it's time for us to go now," Kurt says.

"I'm ready," Kitty replies.

Kurt looks distinctly annoyed. "You can't come with us! We're on a quest!"

"Can't I? Ask her."

"Oh, no, I'm staying out of this," Ororo mutters. "My hair is still regrowing from the **last** time I got involved in a mutant lover's spat."

"Never! I, Kurt the Magician, forbid it!" Then, of course, he ruins the effect by getting all tongue-tied. "And be wary of wowzing a wizard's wrath. Rousing a wizard's- be wary of making a magician angry! ...English is stupid!" He pauses to adjust his hat, which has fallen over his eyes. "If I chose, I could turn you into a frog!"

Kitty snickers. "As if, Kurt."

Kurt scowls.

"I should laugh myself sick. Have sense, man. What were you going to do with the last unicorn in the world? Keep her in a cage?"

Kurt turns away and sulks, crossing his arms. "Oh, you don't even know where we're going."

"We aren't going anywhere," Kitty responds. "We never shoot on location."

"Which will be de death of us all, since we have t' count on old Forgey here," Remy mutters in the background.

"Bite me," Forge snarls.

"Dude, you're a reclusive hippy inventor. Biting you would be a health hazard."

"Would not!"

"When's the last time you showered?"

"..."

"If you have to think about it, that's **BAD**." (2)

Ororo makes a threatening gesture at Remy's back with her horn.

"Do you think it matters to me?" Kitty says, trying to get them back on track. "...Ororo could practically say that."

Ororo glares at her.

"We are journeying to King Magneto's country to find the Orange Bull!" Kurt bursts out.

"Y' know, y' **could** just ask me," Remy says, and Rogue hits him.

"Well, you're going the wrong way," Kitty responds.

She and Ororo head off in the opposite direction.

There's a QSC from the forest to some rocky country. Kurt is pointedly walking in front of Kitty and Ororo, sulking again.

"I'm sorry, but you were going the wrong way, magician," Kitty points out.

"It was a shortcut," Kurt replies, in that "I'm a man and it's physically impossible for me to admit I'm lost" way.

Ororo shakes her head and does a horsey chuckle.

Some ominous music starts up as we see Magneto's castle.

"Magneto's fortress," Kurt supplies, rather pointlessly. "We'll be there tomorrow if we walk all night."

"Where does King Magneto keep the Orange Bull?" Ororo asks.

"In a crappy little apartment wit' de other Acolytes," Remy replies. "Geeze, 'Ro, how thick can y' be?" Rogue hits him. AGAIN. "Hey! We find him out in this chapter! I'm allowed to make asinine comments!"

"That was just for talking," Rogue responds.

Remy blinks, a WTF expression prominent on his face.

"I hear he roams at night," Kurt says, with a pointed glance at Remy, "and lies by day in a great cavern beneath the castle. But we'll know soon enough."

Ororo starts off down the path as Rogue strums her guitar.

"Didn't we already sing this?" Piotr asks, peering at his script.

"It's called a reprise," Remy responds. "Just sing it, _d'accord_? This is your second-to-last bit."

"Life is goood," Rogue says.

The group walks along the rocky path to King Mag's castle as Piotr sings.

"**Moon rising  
Disguising  
Lonely streets in gay display**"

"Wait, Northstar's not here, is he?" Bobby asks, looking around and seeming terrified. (3)

"No, and would y' stop bein' so goddamned paranoid!" Remy responds.

Kurt and Kitty are asleep against a tree, Kitty curled up in Kurt's cloak.

"**The stars fade  
The night shade  
Falls and makes the world afraid**"

We zoom in on Ororo, who is sprawled on the ground, fast asleep.

There's an ominous orange glow as Piotr sings, "**It waits in silence for the sky  
To explode  
Here I am  
On man's road**"

The moon glows bright orange and then bursts into flame, which turns into the shape of a fiery orange bull. 

Ororo awakes when she hears it growl.

Pyro pops out from behind a bush and waves. "I'm not actually the Orange Bull. I'm just controlling him. Genius, no?"

"No is short for nobody's supposed t' see y', John," Remy points out.

"Right, right, sorry." He ducks back behind his bush.

So, anyway, Ororo looks around as Kurt and Kitty wake up as well.

"Kurt, the light!" Kitty cries... yeah.

Right in front of King Mag's castle, the Ominous Orange Light spins around in a spinny, ominous-ring-of-death type way.

Ororo's chest and head is turned red... ish by the light and she (you guessed it) whinnies and rears.

Kitty and Kurt kind of freak, squishing together in terror and stuff.

Author: If you think about it, this scene really is very shippy. And yes, I know I've seen this movie waaaay too many times.

The spinny, ominous-ring-of-death flares up into a spike, and then explodes into the Orange Bull. Ororo, Kurt, and Kitty do that cowering in terror thing.

"John, honey, I think you're kinda pushin' it," Wanda comments, hands on her hips.

"Really?" John asks, cocking his head and inspecting his creation. "Because I thought it added the right touch, y'know?"

Wanda rolls her eyes and makes an "if you must" gesture.

The Orange Bull advances, and Ororo runs away. Kitty and Kurt **really** freak, downright hugging now in terror and stuff.

The Orange Bull (which is quite possibly the most FUGLY piece of animation in the universe) gallops at Ororo, totally missing Kitty and Kurt. They fall over anyway, though.

Ororo RLF past some reusable bushes, all red and glowy and freaking and stuff. (4)

The Orange Bull starts to catch up. Oh, dear.

"You'd better not singe me, Aussie!" Ororo yells, still RLF.

"It's amazing how she can keep up that speed **and** that tone of voice," Remy comments. (5)

"Yeah," Forge agrees, in a "proud parent" type tone.

Kurt and Kitty get up, watching in Utter Horror (tm).

Ororo gets trapped as the Bull suddenly comes out in front of her (gasp!). She runs back past Kitty and Kurt (back towards the CASTLE, in other words).

"Do something!" Kitty yells, backhanding Kurt.

"He's driving her! He can't wanna kill her or he'd have done it by now!"

Again, Ororo tries to escape and somehow the huge, lumbering Orange Bull blocks her escape.

"He's driving her the way he drove the others," Kurt goes on. "To the castle, to King Mags!"

"Please," Kitty begs. "Please! Do something!"

"What can I do? Do you think the Orange Bull likes card tricks?"

"I don't," Pyro comments from behind his bush. "Just for the record."

Wanda sighs, facepalming.

Ororo makes a few more bids for freedom, and then gives up, hanging her head and walking back towards the castle, all dejected-like. "My hair is getting **singed**," Ororo growls. In the background, there's a thunderclap.

Pyro squeaks and the Bull backs up a bit.

"Better."

"I thought y' said we couldn't use our powers in de weird random part forms," Remy whispers to Forge.

"I did it," Forge whispers back. "Anything they do to Ororo eventually will get done to me."

As the Orange Bull pushes Ororo onward (from a non-hair-singing distance), Kurt says, "If I could, I'd turn her into some other creature, some beast too humble for the Bull to be concerned with. But that would take a real magician with real magic! ...or good tech support!"

"HEY!"

"And I can't pretend anymore," Kurt goes on, ignoring Forge.

"But you do," Kitty says. "You have magic. Maybe you can't find it, but it's there! You called Robin Hood, and there is no Robin Hood!"

Remy looks up and makes an indignant noise. Everyone ignores him.

"You have all the power you need, if you dare look for it."

Ororo continues to look downtrodden and bedraggled. It **really** doesn't suit her. "Damn straight..."

Kitty grabs Kurt by the shoulders. "Please! It's not fair! ...we don't get to kiss in this, do we?"

Remy looks vaguely squicked at the notion. "**NO**! So don't go gettin' any ideas."

"Damn," Kurt mutters. Kitty just rolls her eyes.

"And we're done..." Remy announces.

Everyone else responds with WTF looks.

(I know this is a very bizarre spot to leave off, but my DVD is in very bad shape. It skips from this bit to the last non-character song, so I can't continue for a while. I'll update as soon as I get my hands on the library's copy of the movie, and then it'll be nice and normal again.)

(1) Since Alex is Stanley in "Holes", he's always dragging around some onions according to Dis Chick Digs Da Fuzzy Dude's stuff.

(2) Forge is a hippy and a recluse. Neither of those are known for their showering habits. He's also a spacey inventor. Yeah.

(3) If you've read any of my humor fics and you still don't know who Northstar is... FOR SHAME!

(4) This is one of those TLAs I can't translate... I should really stop using it but it's stuck on my humor pattern... oh, well.

(5) Crack from "Ice Cream, Blackmail, and Flirts, Oh My!"


	9. Of Oo Moments and Dirty Old Men

Disclaimer: "Well, I don't have treads, but sometimes, I catch them staring at places they really shouldn't be."

(An: I know, I know, it's been an age and a day since I worked on this, but that's because I have... issues with late books, and so it's rather hard for me to get to the library. At least the chapter is good and long.)

"Ok... so are we starting again now?" Ororo asks.

All the random extras look up from their card games/orgies/killing sprees and nod at Remy.

"Unfortunately, yes," Remy replies, flipping through his clipboard. "Come on, let's get this travesty over."

"Where were we?" Ororo yawns, getting up.

"Um... the part where you were RLF from the Orange Bull and Kitty was spazzing and stuff."

"Right, right."

So John flicks out his lighter and makes the Orange Bull and Ororo assumes a look of complete terror/subserviance. She starts to walk all begrudgingly and stuff as the Orange Bull drives her on.

Kurt gets all spazzy and stuff, making impressive, important-looking hand gestures. "Run! Run now! Run!" he yells.

There's a flash of lightning, burst of thunder, magic-y sound effects, yadda yadda yadda.

"I really should get payed more for this," Forge mutters.

"None of us get paid at all," Remy points out.

"Exactly! You can always have more than nothing!" (1)

"This makin' Gambit's head hurt..."

"How much did you have to drink?" Rogue demands.

"BEGONE!"

Rogue pulls a face at him.

"Remy need a beer," Gambit mutters, stalking off.

"...STAND-IN!" Ororo yells after a moment.

Author: A) You're supposed to be getting harrassed by the Bull right now and B) WTF am I supposed to get a new director from?

Ororo nods at all the people sitting around doing nothing.

Author: ...this is true.

All of the mentioned lazy people look up, and there is a quick scramble.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Ok, so maybe not that quick.

Anyway, the only one left, bound and gagged, is Bobby, clutching Mr. Cuddles in his teeth.

"Leave the man his dignity, at least!" JP cries in the background. "...Wait..." (2)

"MMMPH!" Bobby yells at the sight of said random French dude. He begins to try to worm away.

"Absolute power," Kitty points out.

"Mmmph?" Bobby asks.

Author: I don't speak worm. Somebody-

JP reaches over and rips the ductape off his mouth, totally deadpan.

Author: Nice. Very nice.

"ARGH!" Bobby yells.

"Suck it UP!" the rest of the cast replies.

Bobby rubs his lips, muttering something, then says, "Well, what I asked was what is HE doing here and can I get rid of him?"

Author: He's a cameo and no, you may not.

"But-"

Dramatic music plays.

Author: Good job, Jamie.

"Do I get a cookie now?" he demands.

Author: Better. You get to go scrape up Remy!

"But-"

Author: I give you all rights to mock him.

"Yay!" Jamie fairly skips off.

Bobby sits down in Remy's chair. "This is the BIG director's chair, right?"

"Yep," says Forge. "I sure do miss that chair..." (3)

"Don't care!" Bobby replies. "Back to business."

So, anyway, there is a random shot of Ororo being chased, then back to Kurt, who is looking rather spaz-worthy. There's another big flash of lightning, some break-the-keys piano music, and Kurt falls over.

"Kurt!" Kitty yells. "...Ok, how many times do I have to do this?"

Bobby flips through the script. "Not as many as in Thief and the Cobbler, no worries."

"Good."

So, there's a random shot of the Orange Bull roaring, and Kitty goes over to help Kurt up.

"What have you done?" Kitty demands. Apparently, she knows what the random Orange Bull moment was about.

We move past the Orange Bull and see- NAKED ORORO! GAH!

Everyone in the cast quickly averts their eyes (except Forge, of course). "That's right, you'd _better_ look away!"

"You're a very possessive boyfriend, are you not?" says JP.

"Damn straight!"

Bobby eeps. "What are you still doing here! You're a cameo!"

"Actually, I'm here for as long as the author wants me to be," JP replies. "She wanted a way to let out some of her obsessive fangirlism after reading 'Caffeine and Saccharine'." (4)

"Stupid farging mansex," Bobby mutters, sulking.

"Where?" Toad and Lance both demand.

There is a pause as all of the others simultaneously O.o.

"We just thought... you know..." Lance says, having a MAJOR sweatdrop moment. "With all the weird slash jokes a few chapters back..."

"Er, yeah!" Todd agrees. "Let's go with that!"

"And to think, I've been paired with both these idiots!" Kitty cries. (5)

"Um... why don't we get back to something less disturbing, hmm?"

"But... it's Ororo. And... she's naked," Kitty says.

"If you find that disturbing, then you have problems," says Forge.

"Eeeew."

"No, then she's a lesbian," Ororo says from the ground.

"Where!" Tabitha cries.

There is another pause.

"It's not like you didn't already know!" Tabby cries.

"...This is true," Bobby admits. "But it's still kinda creepy."

"DISCRIMINATION!" JP and Tabby yell in unison.

"Can we PLEASE get on with this!" Ororo yells. "There are rocks rubbing into places they REALLY shouldn't be!"

Forge's eyes glaze over for a minute.

"AND DON'T THINK I DIDN'T SEE THAT!"

"Sorry," says Forge.

"Somebody's whipped," Kurt comments.

There is another random burst of lightning, right next to Kurt.

"If you've singed me-!"

Forge just shrugs.

Well, anyway, Kitty goes over by Ororo and scoops her up. Naked and unconcious. This does NOT look good on her track record. She's all skinny and graceful-looking and stuff. And naked. Can't forget extremely disturbing this-is-an-f-ing-G-movie! naked.

"What have you done? What have you done!" Kitty cries. Awfully fond of repeating herself, this one...

Anyway, she brushes Ororo's hair away from her forehead, revealing a this-is-obviously-important star-shaped scar.

"What do you mean, what have I done? Only saved her from the Orange Bull by magic, that's all I've done! By magic! By my own true magic!" Yeah... Kurt's getting a little flustered now. He stands up and starts to pace, waving his arms and ranting, the whole nine yards. "Doubtless, you are wondering how I plan to return her to her proper shape! Well, wonder not! The power will come to me whenever I need it. And one day, one day, it will come to me when I call! You were right! You were right!"

"I didn't know you meant to turn her into a human girl!" Kitty snaps.

"The Orange Bull came for a unicorn, so she had to become something else. The magic chose the shape, not I." Kurt does a girly twirly dance. "I am a bearer! I am a dwelling! I am a messenger! I am STRAIGHT!" he yells at JP, who looks intrigued.

"_Merde._"

"You are an idiot!" Kitty yells. Ooh. Nice one.

"No cheap-shot rimshot, then?" Pyro asks, holding his drumsticks and looking disappointed.

Wanda just stares at him.

"Aw, MAN!"

"Do you hear me! You've lost her! You've trapped her in a human body! She'll go mad!"

"Is that a change?" Bobby asks.

"_Please_?" Pyro begs.

"Yeah, that was a pretty cheap shot," Wanda admits. "Ok."

"Yay!" A drumset appears out of the nothingness of the set and John does a rimshot.

Ororo stirs and makes a funny little groaning noise. "Never mix tequila and downers, kids," she mutters.

Everyone glares at Forge. "_What_?"

"Well... you know... you're on drugs and everything," Bobby says.

"I AM NOT!" Forge yells.

"So... you're this crazy... naturally?"

"Well... yeah!"

There is a third pause.

"Is it really that much of a surprise?"

Everyone pauses and blinks. "No... not really no," they all admit.

"Oh..." Ororo whispers. She tries to stand (her hair conviently covering all non-G-rated parts), wobbles, and falls over.

"I can change her back, don't worry about it, I can change her back." Kurt looks particularly pathetic at this point.

"What have you done to me?" Ororo asks.

"Oh, no, oh please, no..." Kitty sobs. "I cry a lot in this movie, huh."

"Yep," Bobby says.

"I... I couldn't think of anything else to do to save you," Kurt says.

Ororo touches her forehead and starts to spaz. "What have you done to me? I'm a unicorn! I'm a unicorn!" She hugs herself (again, conviently) and starts rocking back and forth.

"She's a nutter! She's a nutter!" Bobby cries.

"Wow," says Jubilee. "Forge must have left some residual smartness on the chair."

"That's just not nice," Bobby mutters, beginning to sulk again.

"Don't!" Kitty says, grabbing her. "Don't, you'll hurt yourself!"

"Be still! The magic knew what it was doing. In this shape alone you have some hope of reaching King Mags and finding out what became of the other unicorns," Kurt interrupts, sounding for once as though he knows what he's talking about. "For once?"

Kitty just stares at him.

Kurt is Not Amused.

Ororo interrupts with another spaz-fit. "I wish you had let the Orange Bull take me! I wish you had left me to the harpy! I can feel this body dying all around me!"

"But it's only for a little while, I promise you," says Kurt, sounding all "eheh... oops" again. "Soon you'll have your true shape again, forever."

"Why not now? Kurt, you can't let her stay like this. You can't possibly!" Kitty cries.

"Why not? Unless you think you could defeat the Bull if you met him again."

"No... but I am afraid of this human body, more than I was of the Orange Bull... afraid." Somehow, while she says this, Kurt's coat gets transferred from him to her, without either of them coming within five feet of each other. Now _that's_ magic.

Soooo... we see King Mags's castle. For those of you who have never seen this movie, it's perched precariously on a precipice (alliteration is fun!) above the sea, and it generally looks like it's all going to collapse at any moment. We zoom in on it, up to a tower where Magneto and Forge are standing.

"If you pull any old jokes-!"

Author: You'll what? Throw your bucket at me?

Magneto holds up a finger. After a minute, the finger goes down. "...I find no forthcoming retort to that. I _am_ getting old."

Author: Hah!

Anyway, Magsy looks down from his spyglass onto the midgets below. "A man... and TWO women? Wow. Kurt deserves his pimp hat after all."

"He has a pimp hat?" Forge asks.

"Third bathroom on the left," Kurt whispers.

"Right."

"Coming here?" Mags asks.

Forge stares down at Ororo in that this-forebodes-shipping way. You know what I mean, right? "The young girl... she looks so strange... she has a newness."

When Our Heroes get to the door, Mags and Forge bar the way, Mags drawing his knife and saying, "Give your names."

"I am Kurt the Magician," says Kurt, bowing. "This is Kitty Pryde, my helper, and this... this is... this is... the Lady Ororo."

"Thank God Jamie's not around," Rogue mutters.

"We seek audience with King Mags," Kurt says, and then adds, "actually, we'd all rather run as far away as we can in the opposite direction, but the author won't let us."

Author: Damn straight!

"State your business with King Mags," Magneto says. "I can't _believe_ I have to call myself that!"

Author: You could've been King Maggie, would you have preferred that?

After a moment, Mags decides it's probably best to keep his mouth shut.

"I will but to King Mags himself."

This apparently satisfies Mags, who turns and leads them into the castle. Ororo stares down at the sea until Kitty drags her along behind them.

So they're going up a rickety staircase over a giant sea beneath them, when all of a sudden the castle starts rumbling.

"What's that?" Kitty cries.

"Yeah, no, it's all right, it's just the Bull," Forge says. He's allowed to be a little indecisive, since Kitty was the one who asked but Ororo is the one he talks to.

"This is King Mags's throne room," Magneto says, when they finally get up there. He points at a place that is adorned with cobwebs and a skull-patterned bedroom set. Pleasant.

"Throne room?" Kurt asks. "This is a cell! This is a tomb!"

This is tacky!" Kitty adds.

"Hey-" Forge starts, but Magneto cuts him off.

"No, no, they've got a point..."

"No respect, no respect," Forge mutters.

"Take us to King Mags!" Kurt says. "No, that's all right, please don't... he's a dirty old man!"

Magneto's eye twitches slightly as he takes off his helmet. "I am King Mags. This is Prince Forge, my son."

Forge takes off his own helmet and says, in a much less melodramatic tone, "Hi, glad to meet you."

"What is your concern with me?"

"YOU'RE AN F-ING DIRTY OLD MAN!" Kurt yells (6)

Kitty facepalms. "I am embarrased to be seen with someone so half-assed."

"Why do people call me a dirty old man?" Mags asks of the ceiling, looking depressed. "I didn't do anything! I scrub myself every day!"

Forge stares at him. "You just don't get it."

"We seek, sire, to enter your service," says Kurt, who has apparently gotten himself back under control. He bows.

"I need no servants."

"Oh, but surely, sire, a magician! A fine cook! A touchy lady unicorn!"

"Ixnay on the upidstay," Kitty hisses, stepping on his foot.

"Who you callin' upidstay!" Kurt cries. (7)

Ororo, however, apparently decides to let it slide. "I'm in a very Zen mood right now," Ororo says. "The aspirin I took during the five-minute scramble have also begun to kick in." (8)

"You are losing my interest, and that is very dangerous," Mags says.

"Yeah, he could fall asleep!" Forge whispers, and Magneto kicks him.

"My court consists of four men-at-arms."

"Well, where are they?" Kurt asks.

"Bound and gagged under the throne to make arcane sacrifices to summon Claudia Schiffer," Forge replies.

It's just a day for O.o moments, really it is.

"Four? But the pleasures of the court, sire! The music, the talk, the hunts and the balls and the great feasts!" Kurt says.

"You _would_ mention feasts," Kitty sighs. "I always get paired with such IDIOTS!"

Piotr looks up from being underappreciated and whimpers.

"Sorry, Piotr, but it's true," Kitty replies.

Piotr sniffles. "I'M SO UNLOVED!"

"Yep," JP agrees. "You were dead way longer than I was!"

"You're not helping."

"And you're hot." (9)

Piotr twitches.

"They mean nothing to me!" Magneto says, sitting down in his throne and looking distinctly bored. "I have known them all, and they have not made me happy. I will keep nothing near me that does not make me happy. ...I also keep one magician."

"Oh, a magician. Huh. What's his name?" Kurt asks.

"He is called Baldy. He is known in his trade as the magician's magician. Or as very, very bald. I am sending out signals to see if the readers can guess before I go on here... I can see no reason at all to replace him with some vagrant, nameless, clownish-"

"Well, that's nice," Kurt mutters, huffing.

"I can," Kitty says. "He doesn't, this marvelous Baldy, doesn't make you happy."

"This is true," Magneto agrees. "He has cold hands."

"ARGH!" all the rest of the cast yells.

"Wha-at?" Magneto asks.

Author: That's just sick, even for me... eurgh.

"Kitty, be still!" Kurt hisses.

"How would you know?" Magneto asks.

"Well, just look at you!" Kitty says.

"Kitty!" Kurt yells, grabbing her by the shoulders. "Are you _sure_ we don't get to kiss in this?"

Author: NO!

"Did you hear that, Baldy?" Magneto asks, apparently of no one. Forge twirls a finger around his ear and whistles.

"Which part?" Xavier's voice says.

"The part about you being insulted, you telepathic idiot!"

"Oh. Right."

"THAT'S YOUR CUE!"

"Oh... heheh. Right."

"You said that."

"Yeah, but I added a heheh. There's a difference."

"How much Prozac did you GIVE these two?" Kurt asks Bobby.

"Um... a lot... there's none left..." Ma-hay-hay-jor sweatdrop moment.

"NOOO!" Wolverine cries. (10)

So, anyway, Xavier appears in a puff of smoke in his Merlin costume. But still in his wheelchair, of course. "What does your majesty wishes of me?" He spots Kurt and grins... it's kinda creepy. "Kurt, my dear boy! How nice to see you!"

"DIRTY OLD _MEN_!" Kurt shrieks.

"Oy vey," Kitty mutters, facepalming.

"He has come to take your place," Magneto says, interrupting Kurt's spazzing and Kitty's humiliation. "He is now my royal magician."

"See?" Kitty whispers.

Kurt grabs her by the shoulders again. "Shh!" he hisses.

"The legendary Kurt? The runeless wonder? I realize your majesty is a great collector of... oddities... but-"

"The woman is right," Magneto says. "A master magician has not made me happy. I will see what an incompetent one can do. You may go."

"I am not packed off as easily as that!" There is a flash of smoke and more magic-y sound effects as Xavier raises his arms.

Ororo, who has been standing by the window staring at the sea this whole time, looks over at them.

Xavier's attention turns to her, and Forge steps in front of her. But she steps in front of him and there is another of those WTF-is-up-with-this! flashes of light, but from the scar on her forehead this time.

Xavier stops, and starts to cackle madly.

"Actually, I think it's rather off-form," Pyro comments in the background. Wanda kicks him.

"Come on, old man," says Forge, taking his arm. "I'll write you a reference."

"Mags, I would not be you for all the world!" Xavier chuckles. You have let your doom in by the front door, but it shall not depart that way! Farewell, poor Mags. Farewell!" There is a small implosion as Xavier disappears... and reappears over top of Magneto, falling behind the throne. "ARGH!"

"Heheh..." Magneto mutters.

"FORGE!"

"I'm not running the special effects anymore," Forge points out.

"Then who is?" everyone else demands (except Xavier, who is too busy making death threats on Forge slash moaning in pain, and Magneto, who is laughing his head off).

Forge points, and we see Alex bob his head at everyone present.

"Oh, God," Kitty and Kurt mutter in unison, facepalming.

"He does about as well," Forge points out. "Wait..."

Ororo snickers, and then goes back to being Stoic Unicorn Woman.

So Magneto comes over by her...

"Don't!" Ororo cries, whirling on him. "Dammit, I miss my pervert skewer."

Author: Now pay attention. This is a plot point coming up.

"I will not touch you. What are you looking at?" Magneto asks.

"The sea," Ororo replies. "Are you blind as well as perverted?"

In the background, Pyro does another rimshot. "Two!" he crows.

"Ah, yes, the sea is always good. There is nothing I can look at for very long, except the sea." He stares at Ororo (who is making threatening gestures at him) and into her eyes... whoooa, super close-up on them, in which we see all the bears and squirrels and dodos of her forest. Okiedokie then!

Apparently, these freaky animal-style contacts weird out Magneto, because he cries, "What is the matter with your eyes? Why can I not see myself in your eyes?"

"Perverted _and_ narcissistic? This man does not have a lot going for him," JP comments.

Bobby grins. "Actually, I was thinking he was a lot like you."

"..." says JP.

"Oh, boy," Jubilee mutters. "The smartness must've warn off."

"DEATH TO YOU, RANDOM HOT GUY!" JP tackles Bobby and a scuffle ensues. I like the word ensue.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Bobby is tied to a pole and... we'll not go into that.

Anyway, JP has taken over his director's chair. He winks at the camera. "Absolute power is kind of neat."

"Who is she?" Mags demands, whirling on Kitty and Kurt.

"Oh, sire, the Lady Ororo is my niece... uh... yeah!" Kurt says, having a sweatdrop moment of his very own.

"I want to know who she is!" Magneto thunders. Yeah, _that_ made sense.

"Father, what difference does it make? She's here now," Forge points out.

"For once, you are right. She is here. They are all here. And whether they mean my doom or not, I will look at them, for a while," Magneto says. "You may come and go as you please. My secrets guard themselves. Will yours do the same."

"Say, I know where there is some cloth- fine satin," Forge says to Ororo, having apparently realized that she's naked under her clothes. You could make a dress. Please, lady, what can I do for you? Trust me."

Ororo just stares at him. You're going to have to get used to reading that, because she does it a lot in the next bits.

"Ok, to recap," JP says, "Xavier and Magneto are dirty old men, Lance and Toad aren't quite walking the straight and narrow, Tabitha is not straight- but we knew that, and Remy is long-gone. All in all, a good chapter!"

(Nice and long too- almost twenty pages. I promise to have more updates! I want to finish this before year's end. Merry Chrishannukwa!)

(1) Alice in Wonderland quote. If you did not recognize this, you deserve to be shot.

(2) Have I explained JP? Oh, well, if you're this far you already get it.

(3) Forge was the director in QFS, and there were many scuffles for his chair between him and Di.

(4) "Caffeine and Saccharine" is the BEST JP/Bobby story ever. Period. Except for the smutty parts. I did not actually READ the smutty parts, mind you, because I like my mind the state it is, but still.

(5) Lancitty is a duh, and apparently Toddfan has a Todditty under her belt. Which makes me O.o, but still.

(6) I wish not to go over the swear word count, and I've been using f-ing a lot anyway since I said something using it in French class and the guy in front of me told me to tone down the f-ings.

(7) This is from The Lion King, and I'm hoping that it is enough of a hint for the Party who is being Adressed (PwibA) will pick up on it, because the PwibA has had at least three months to do what the PwibA was supposed to do, and has not.

(8) This is from the deleted scenes on Mean Girls.

(9) An alternate version of JP had a thing for Colossus.

(10) Crack from my latest Stupid Songfic (Sam singing "Ohio" by Bowling For Soup; found on the Nutboard... ;D) in which Logan is bribed with Prozac. Lots of it.


	10. In Which Remy is Sober for Once!

Disclaimer: "Were they sent to hell?" "Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history."

(An: Since I'm going to have nothing better to do for the rest of Christmas hols... DAILY UPDATES! Aren't you proud? From no alerts to swamping your inbox with the laziest fic I write. And if you're wondering about the switch from bold to italics on emphasis... the Skysong has a lot to convert to HTML coding now that EE is working again, and is lazy like that.)

Jean Paul is looking at his watch. "Ok, it's been a while... where the hell is the Cajun guy?"

"Getting tired of your absolute power already?" Bobby asks, looking hopeful.

JP just stares at him a moment, then slowly replies, "No. Did I say that slow enough? I just don't want to have to stick around for the song."

"There's a song?" everyone asks in unison, shuddering slightly.

"The last one sung by our RSD, no less," JP adds.

"So... after this is done... I can leave?" Piotr asks, clearly barely daring to hope.

"Yep."

"YES!"

"We have to find Remy first, though," JP replies. "I'm not suffering through this."

"Damn," Rogue mutters.

"I second that," Piotr mutters.

Where exactly _is_ Remy, you ask?

Well...

SOMEWHERE ON THE OTHER END OF BAYVILLE...

"I coulda been a contendah!" Remy says, in a horrible Jersey accent.

"This is making my brain hurt," Jamie one says to Jamie two.

"Mine too," Jamie two agrees. "Let's kill him."

"Yeah, but we need him for the director," Jamie one replies.

"True..."

The two Jamies exchange looks and then close in on Remy.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME SOBER!"

BACK AT WHEREVER THE HELL THIS IS SHOT...

Two Jamies burst in the door, dragging Remy between them.

"We are _never_ doing the author any favors," they mutter. "Ever again."

"Oh, good, I can leave!" JP cries, RLF away.

"Thank God for that," Bobby mutters, spitting out some cotton balls... yeah.

"Ok, now it's time to make Remy sober!" Ororo cries, a la that guy from Wheel of Fortune.

"Oh, God," Remy mumbles, as Hank comes toward him holding a squirrel, a toy bus, and a beaver. (1)

Nobody pays any attention to the tortured screaming coming from the broom closet. But that's to be expected.

TEN MINUTES LATER...

So, anyway, Remy comes out, looking extremely hassled but sober.

"Where's Hank?" Logan asks.

Remy just grins in a very nasty way, sitting down in his chair.

"Forget I asked," Logan mutters.

"Oh! Dat reminds me," Remy says. "You need to be turned into a cat!"

"Oh, God," Logan says, subtly trying to sneak away.

"Oh, no ya don't," says Forge, holding up something that looks like a purple watergun. "I call this little beauty the Cattinator."

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Logan is now a cat. With an eyepatch and a pegleg no less. He switches the eyepatch to his other eye, saying, "What, am I channeling Patch now?" (2)

"Maybe..." says Remy. "You never know wit' dese movies."

"I think I liked him better drunk," Rogue mutters.

"Who asked y'!"

"Can I sing now, please?" Piotr asks.

Rogue and Remy pause in death-glaring at each other. "Ok," says Remy.

Rogue mutters something that doesn't sound very nice and starts playing her guitar.

By now, we can just imagine that when I am not actively describing what's going on, it's being described in the song lyrics, right?

"**In the sea  
The fish have learned to fly  
On a moonlit night  
On wings of silver  
As the enchanted stars**"

We switch from a shot of Forge staring at Ororo staring out a window to Kitty cleaning some cracked plates. 

"**Sail serenely by  
Do they know**"

We see Logan asleep on the floor.

"He's almost kind of cute like that," Ororo says.

"When this is all over, can I keep him?" Jamie asks, with that little-kid-seeing-pet look.

Author: ...maybe...

"**Where do unicorns go?  
Where winged horses fly**"

We see a shadow of what looks like a unicorn running along a path by the sea... then we actually see the horse, and it's just Forge, riding a horse (actually, more like clinging for dear life) with his lance-

"Where!" Kurt demands.

John looks at Wanda, who sighs exasperatedly. "Fine."

John grins and does a rimshot. "I do so love Cheap Shot Rimshots."

"**Narwhales lost at sea  
And never seen again**"

We see Kitty scrubbing at some clothes now in a turret, where Mystique the Random Raven is at her random squawking again. Even though the bird described in the song is a magpie.

"**Go  
Go and ask the magpie**

See?

"**Where do unicorns go?**"

We see Prince Forge riding on his majestic horsey again with shield and lance and stuff.

"**In the trees  
The birds have learned to speak**"

A random dragon comes out of the shadows. It's an Eastern, snakey-type dragon that spits fire and stuff.

"**Every color  
They keep their secret  
In a parade of clouds**"

Switch from Forge fighting for his life to King Mags ignoring Forge and Ororo. Ororo is once again staring out at the sea.

"**Playing hide and seek**"

Forge, who apparently thinks this makes a good present, offers her the limp head of the dragon. Yeah. That makes a great stocking stuffer.

"**Do they know**"

"Ugh, this is starting to look like a songfic," Kitty mutters in the background.

"**Where do unicorns go?**"

Ororo seems to agree with me, because she just stares at him. Yep. That's all she does is stare. I told you to get used to it.

Forge looks all disappointed and stuff, and we switch to a picture, engraved on the castle roof, of a unicorn rearing in a wave.

Author: -coughcoughplotpointcoughcough-

"**Where winged horses fly  
Narwhals lost at sea**"

We move down, to see Kurt performing for Mags. He flashes a deck of cards through the air and they disappear in a puff of smoke.

Apparently, this bores Maggie, because he turns away just as Kurt starts dancing with his coat.

"My name," Magneto growls, "is MAGNETO, dammit!"

"Don't care," everyone else says.

Author: What they said.

"**Does myth  
And mystery lie**"

In a flash reminiscent of the bit with the oranges a few chapters back, he takes two balls from his pocket and they multiply and begin revolving around him. Then he does a midair somersault and disappears.

"**Where the unicorns go**"

Of course, Logan sees this. "Shiny... balls..." he says, the one eye we can see glazing over. He bats at them, making a funny "Nyao" sound and knocking one of the balls out of its orbit.

In the background, Kurt peers out, looking dismayed.

"Shiiiny..." Logan mumbles, following the ball down some steps.

Thankfully, this is where the song winds down.

"YES!" Rogue yells.

Piotr makes a "thank you" gesture at the sky.

And they of course both RLF into the sunset.

"RLF had better be all they do," Remy mutters, sinking down into his seat.

"What does that _stand_ for!" Jamie asks. (3)

So, we switch to Kitty and Forge in the kitchen. Kitty is feeding the fire and Forge is peeling potatoes. He nicks himself. Stupidhead. "I am _not_ a stupidhead!"

"Yes he is," Ororo whispers offscreen.

"I feel so unloved," Forge says, looking down at the potatoes.

"You _are_ unloved," Kitty replies.

"You're supposed to be sympathising with me in this scene!"

"I don't really care."

"Feh," Forge mutters. "And then she looked at me. And I was sorry I had killed the thing. Sorry for killing a dragon. Imagine!"

"AHEM," Kurt says loudly.

Forge just kind of stares at him.

"That would have more weight behind it, but Hank is still missing... what did you do to him, Remy?"

"De Gambit's not tellin'," Remy replies, crossing his arms. "'S no less unspeakable den de bit with de beaver."

"Ok, I don't wanna know," Kurt agrees.

"Cut away from yourself, not toward," Kitty replies as Forge nicks himself again, putting another log on the fire.

"It's... so... beautiful..." Pyro mumbles, staring at the fire.

Wanda kicks him.

"You know, your highness, I really think you should try something else."

"But what's left on earth that I haven't tried?"

Kitty attempts to cuddle Logan, but, with a cry of "I DRAW THE LINE AT THAT!" he runs away, yowling.

"Giants, ogres- sorry, Sam- terrible tasks, fatal riddles... Kitty, for her sake, I've become a hero, but my great deeds mean nothing to her."

"Perhaps, if you tried bathing yourself once in a while..." Kitty suggests. She picks up a potato and starts to peel it herself.

"I'll have you know I showered last week!"

Kitty pauses, and then throws the potato at him.

"Ow!"

"It was a potato," Kitty replies. "Stop being such a baby."

Forge pulls a face at her.

Kitty ignores this, peeling another potato. "Then perhaps the Lady Ororo is not to be won by great deeds."

"Who is she, Kitty? Where does she come from?"

"From a country made up by Marvel?" Kitty suggests.

"CAIRO!" Ororo shrieks. "FREAKING CAIRO!"

Everyone stares at Ororo.

"I give no explanations for my actions," Ororo replies, tossing her head.

"Okiedokie then," Remy says. "Moving on..."

"I don't know any more about her than I did the first day she came here," Forge mutters.

"Your highness- damn, it's weird to say that," Kitty starts, but Forge cuts her off.

"Except that I wish to serve her, as you do, to help her find whatever it is she has come here to find. I wish to be whatever she has most need of."

"I like it when he's kinky," Ororo sighs.

Everyone in the cast (except Forge) pauses to look vaguely squicked.

"Will you tell her that?" Forge goes on.

"I think, if you told her yourself-" Kitty starts.

"But she never speaks to me, Kitty," Forge cries. "Not a word, not a word in all this time!"

"Nobody talks to you, Forge," Kitty replies. "You're a crazy recluse inventor!"

"Ok, that's as far as we have to go," Remy says.

"Why?" everyone else asks, and then wonders why they asked... why... too many whys... er... anyway...

"Because the author doesn't believe in putting her fans through more than one song at a time- mind you, she uses the word 'fans' loosely," Remy says.

(Actually, there's going to be two songs in the next chapter, just to get them over with.)

(1) Invader Zim reference.

(2) I have no idea who Patch is, really. He's one of Logan's disguise people, I guess. I've just seen pictures, ok?

(3) If you don't know by now, I'm not telling you. So there. Wow. Only three footnotes. I must be losing my touch.


	11. Two Songs, so Get Your Earplugs

Disclaimer: "Put your head between your knees and-" "Kiss your bum goodbye!"

(There are not one but TWO songs (well, two and a reprise). Because I wanted to get them all out of the way. You may think it's a pain to read through them, but it's more of a pain to have to listen to them. Besides, you can start a support group or something.)

"Ok," Remy says. "Earplugs?"

"Check," Kurt says.

"Those noise-muffling headphones?"

"Check," Kurt says.

"Alcohol?"

"_Very_ check," Kurt says.

"Great! Now we can start!"

Now, pay attention, this is all foreboding right here...

"You are cruel to him," Kitty says.

For the fifth time? I think, Ororo is staring out at the sea.

"You might give him a gentle word, at the very least," she goes on.

Flick over to King Mags, watching them... he really _is_ a dirty old man!

"I am not a dirty old man!" Mags shrieks.

"Yes, you are," all the rest of the cast says.

"Feh," Mags mutters. Oh, look, he's gone all cross now! "Bite me."

"Ew," says Kurt. "You would taste all kinky!"

"Kinky only works for a very few people," says Forge, preening.

"He only wishes you to think of him," says Kitty, obviously squicked by Forge's apparent kinkiness.

"And here comes the song intro..." Remy groans.

"Kitty," Ororo says, "who am I?"

"Man, this chick has a real problem with her identity," Kitty mutters.

"You're supposed to be sympathetic to my plight here, not sarcastic!"

"Don't care!"

"Why am I here? What is it that I am seeking in this strange place, day after day? I knew a moment ago, but I have forgotten."

"The unicorns," Kitty answers. "If you are not the only black one."

"LINE!" Remy yells, at the same time Ororo yells "DISCRIMINATION!"

"It was a cue for a CSRS," Kitty replies, crossing her arms.

John, in the background, obliges.

"If you are not the last," Kitty says. "Satisfied?"

"**Once**" Ororo sings, starting to sniffle, "**I can't remember  
I was long ago  
Someone strange**"

She stumbles into an adjacent room, where there is (you guessed it) a rearing unicorn in a wave. But not on the ceiling, on the wall in a (coughcough) oddly familiar tapestry.

She touches the unicorn's horn. "I do _so_ miss my pervert skewer," she mutters. "**I was innocent and wise  
And full of pain**"

Unfortunately, the non-circular-ness of the rooms doesn't last, because she looks up at the ceiling and there are the same paintings from Haggard's throne room. How boring.

"I'm sorry," Remy says in the background, "did y' just call yourself _innocent_, 'Ro?"

"It was in the song lyrics! And I was innocent... once... when I was like, three!"

"M' point," Remy agrees.

Ororo sticks her tongue out at him. "**Now that I'm a**- wait, _what_? Are you _sure_ this song is about unicorns? Because it sure sounds like one about transvestites to me!"

"Where!" says Magneto.

Author: -facepalms-

Remy looks at the script. "Yep, it's about unicorns... you know, this was made in the seventies and all..."

Forge looks up, distinctly P.O.'ed. "And _what_ is the matter with the seventies?"

"Nobody could decide what gender they wanted to be then," Remy replies, missing the "I'm going to KILL you" beams coming out of Forge's eyes. "I mean, they came out with 'De Joy of Cooking' and 'De Joy of Sex' in de same year! That's just askin' for trouble!"

"His accent makes a reappearance," Rogue says. "It's a very rare thing."

Author: ...HEY!

"Her intellect makes a reappearance," Bobby agrees. "That's even rarer."

Author: You just said that... and you're insulting MY intelligence?

Bobby eeps.

Author: The gates of Hades swing wide and from them come...

"JEAN-PAUL!" JP yells, appearing in a Kurt-esque puff of smoke. "I love making big entrances."

"Kill me, please," Bobby says to Jubilee.

"No, I'm having too much fun with this," Jubilee replies, holding up a video camera and smirking.

"You can keep that if you promise to give me half the profits," JP says.

"Thirty percent."

"Deal."

"Oh, God," says Bobby, as both of them close in.

Getting back to the point...

"Come on, don't make me sing this!" Ororo whines. "You didn't make Remy say the pregnant line!"

"DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT!" Remy yells.

Author: Yeah, well, the pregnant line was non-essential, and anyway, that was to make up for this not being a Romy. (1)

"Oh, fine," Ororo mutters. "But there had better be a lot of making out before this travesty's over."

"Damn straight!" Forge agrees.

"Well, anyway..." Ororo sighs. "**Now that I'm a woman  
Everything is strange**"

Ororo pauses in front of a mirror with a unicorn painted on the back. This has an interesting effect, because if she were to turn her head, she would have a horn. Wow. There's nothing suggestive about that. ...ok, that sounded really wrong.

"I must go to him," Ororo says, walking out of the unicorn room like a zombie (she thirsts for FORGE!). "I must face the Bull again and discover what he has done with them, before I forget myself forever. But I don't know where to find him. And I am lonely."

"Nobody cares, Ororo," Kitty says. "You have no real pairing, since Logan was a weirdo in orange spandex and you were all... yeah."

"What's that supposed to imply!" Ororo demands. In the background there is thunder.

Kitty just rocks back and forth on her heels and whistles.

"I'll get you for that, Jewish!" Ororo cries.

"Just go on and keep singing... my transvestite friend," says Kitty.

John does another rimshot.

"Oh, God, are you just going to do that whenever I speak?" she demands of him.

"...Possibly..."

Kitty facepalms.

"**Once  
When I was searching**"

We see a cloud unicorn run by. Wow. Amazing.

"Yeah, you see, _I_ did that, not Alex. That's why it worked!"

"Hey! That's just not nice!"

"Nobody cares, Alex," the rest of the cast sighs.

Ororo grabs at the cloud unicorn and it disappears as she sings, "**Somewhere out of reach  
Far away  
In a place I could not find  
Poor heart obey**"

Kitty clasps her hands as Ororo goes on. "**Now that I'm a woman**" 

"...There is unwanted sexual tension going on up here!" Kitty yells, RLF.

Author: -facepalm... yes, again-

"I'm not the dirty old man here," Ororo says.

"So you're admitting you're really a man?" Kitty asks, peeking out of the unicorn room.

"NO! This song is about transvestites! It's not my fault I have to sing it!"

Kitty frowns. "Ok, fine, whatever, let's just get this over with as soon as possible."

"**Everything has changed  
Everything has changed  
Everything has changed**"

She sniffles and watches the sun go down. "This is really depressing for no real reason."

"Kurt will find a way down to the Orange Bull," Kitty says. "He has been searching every day."

"I hope for no help from him," Ororo says. "He is no magician now, but the king's poor clown."

"I'm not poor! Do you know how much money I make from the fangirls a week?" Kurt cries in the background.

"I make more," Remy replies, grinning.

"Bite me," Kurt replies.

"He is doing it for you!" Kitty says. "He plays the fool for Maggie trying to divert him from wondering what you are. You do wrong to mock him."

"Forgive me," Ororo says, and runs out of the room crying. Someone is showing our girly side today.

"My lady!" Kitty cries after her. 

There is a big crash and snarl and stuff as the whole castle starts to shake. "WTFM!" Kitty cries, tripping down the staircase.

Logan!Cat comes by, saying, "The Bull be going out. He goes out every sundown to hunt for the strange white beast that escaped him. You know that puuurrfectly- oh, that's a horrible joke-"

Author: I didn't make it; the VA actually says it like that.

"Perfectly well, so don't be stupid."

"How nice," Kitty mutters.

"Har-har!" Logan goes on, as he and Kitty walk down the stairs toward the kitchen. "So that be a unicorn! She is very beautiful!"

"How do you know she's a unicorn?"

One might note that the echo-y tone of the voices in this movie only really work for the scenes in staircases.

Logan rubs up against her leg.

"It's just not my day," Kitty mutters.

"No cat out of its first fur can ever be decieved by appearances, unlike human beings who seems to enjoy it."

Kitty picks up the cat (heheheh) and carries him the rest of the way down the stairs.

"Now _this_ is service," says Logan, grinning. "Ye have very little time. Soon there'll be a human woman in that body, and no unicorn at all, ever again."

Kitty puts him on top of the table and pets him. "For the record, this is kind of disturbing," said Kitty. "I'm stroking my obligatory-fatherly-figure."

"That's MY obligatory-fatherly-figure, bitch!" Jubilee yells in the background. (2)

"Don't care," Kitty replies.

"It may be that she'll marry the good prince, who loves her."

"Hopefully _before_ he gets me pregnant," Ororo agrees. (3)

Kitty scratches him behind the ears and Logan says, "Oh purr, purr. Do that. Yes, that be nice."

Apparently, scratching Logan's kitty ears has made Kitty realize what a dangerous situation she's in. "No. No, that cannot be! She is the last!"

"Well, then," says Logan, yawning lazily. "She must do what she came to do. She must take the King's way down to the Orange Bull."

"I thought I melted that," Pyro mumbles. "Maggie kept giving me bad dreams."

Wanda stares at him for a minute.

"_What_?"

"Is there a way?" Kitty demands, grabbing Logan, who yowls. "Tell me the way!"

"Avast!" he yells. "No wonder you don't have a boyfriend!"

Kitty ignores this- "Actually, I'm going to torture him with a piece of string tied to his tail later!"- and demands, "Tell me where we must go!" (4)

"Hark ye closely, mum," Logan says, looking as sly as a kitty-cat- "I'm a TOMCAT!"

Author: But it's so much fun to demean you.

Logan mutters something, and then goes into vague prophecy mode. "When the wine drinks itself, when the skull speaks, when the clock strikes the right time, only then will ya find the tunnel what leads to the Orange Bull's lair." He lets out another nasty chuckle. "There be a trick to it, of course!"

He does some funny, "I'm tired of this" Shaolin kitty move, making her drop him. I'm not going to touch that sentence with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole, that's for sure...

"Why won't you help me? Why must you always speak in riddles!" Wonderfully emotional.

"Because I be what I be... what, am I chanelling Popeye now?" Logan asks.

Remy hums the theme.

Logan sends him a dirty look (it's somewhat less intimidating than it would be, since he's only got one eye and is a kitty-cat). "I would tell ye what ye want to know if I could, mum. But I be a cat, and no cat anywhere ever gave anyone a straight answer."

Now, you see, here's my point about the eyepatch. "Har-har," says Logan, switching it from one eye to the other.

So... somehow... through the amazing power of special effects not run by Alex, we see snow. Lots and lots of snow. Yep, snow.

Because they are on crack like that, Maggie and Kurt are in the tallest tower, staring out at the sea. They really need to get some cable out in this place, man.

Maggie snaps his fingers, and Kurt, like the little ass monkey he is, tries to do a card trick. I say try because they all blow away. Maggie's nose looks pointy, and he just looks generally amused.

QSC to the kitchen, where Kurt is sipping soup. "I can't do this much longer. He had me juggling teacups for him all night long. Teacups... with tea in them!"

"That would be what one would expect, yes," JP says in the background.

"I think we've got enough footage of Bobby spazzing, wouldn't you?" Jubilee says. "We'll make a killing on eBay."

JP smirks.

"Kurt, I didn't tell you. I found the skull, the one the cat was talking about. It's up on a pillar in the great hall. And the clock-"

"Kitty, he knows. King Mags what Lady Ororo is, I'm sure of it."

"What can we do?"

"Wild, kinky, furry sex?" Kurt suggests. (5)

"You've been spending too much time with Magneto," Kitty replies.

Author: GOD this story is getting perverted.

"Kitty?" Forge says, coming into the room with a piece of paper. A very dirty piece of paper.

"The chihuahua song?" Sam asks. (6)

Forge chooses to ignore this. "I've practically got the whole poem now, if you wanted to look at it."

"Oh, yes, of course your highness, whenever you like," Kitty says. "Calling Forge your highness is really weird. He's so... smelly."

"BITE ME," Forge says.

Super QSC to a shot of Mystique the harpy screeching. Don't worry, no bare-breastiness. She flaps at Ororo, and then BAM! Over to Kurt getting his hands burned on the bars. And then Dani getting eaten and stuff.

"If this scene went on a little longer, it would practically be the whole movie for people with short attention spans," Kurt says.

QSC from that to Ororo, doing a horror-movie GASP and sit up when the music crescendoes.

In the corridor, we hear Forge, saying, "The lift of longing, the crash of loss..." He pauses on his staircase, saying, "The bitterness of- Cross? Boss? Moss? Damn!"

Ororo comes out of her room and stares out a window, wrapped up in a blanket. Wow. Shiny hair moment.

"Good evening, my lady," Forge says. "Is this the part where we make out?"

Author: Almost.

"YES!"

Ororo whirls. "Who are you?"

"I'm Forge! Don't you know me, I'm Forge!"

"Forge?" says Ororo. "Prince Forge."

"You were dreaming, milady," Forge says. Yeah... how would he know what happened? "Because I arranged the tapes like that so Alex couldn't screw it up?"

"Has he actually gotten to _do_ anything since you left?" Ororo asks.

"..." says Forge. "No, not really."

"I've gotten to eat donuts!" Alex cries.

"THOSE ARE MY DONUTS!" Forge cries.

"Forge, tone it DOWN a notch," says Ororo, a la Dr. Evil.

"Sorry."

"But I am always dreaming. Even when I'm awake. It is never finished." She touches the scar (COUGH) on her forehead, and then stammers, "I... I will not trouble you, my Lord Prince." She turns to go.

"Trouble me, please, trouble me! I would court you with more grace if I knew how."

"Try taking a bath, for starters," Kitty says.

"You're not even IN this scene!" Forge shrieks.

"So what else is new?" Kitty replies.

"I wish you wanted something of me," Forge says, with an "I'll get you later when I've conquered the universe" kind of look.

"Drown out my dreams!" Ororo cries. "Keep me from remembering whatever wants me to remember it."

So Forge decides to do just that... IN SONG!

Author: Ok, here's the support group time. Whover had the hubris to voice Prince Lir could NOT sing, and well... my ears are bleeding right now. Oh. Right. Ororo sings in **bold** and Forge sings in underline. Comprende?

"I've had time to write a book about  
The way you act and look  
I haven't got a paragraph"

We see Forge scribbling away at his inventor table. Boy, it's messy in here. "You're on that list, right under Kitty!" He clears his throat and goes on. "Words are always getting in my way  
Anyway, I love you  
That's all I have to tell you  
That's all I've got to say"

In the way of this-is-an-animated-film-and-we-haven't-filled-the-cliche-count-yet (TIAFWHFCCY; not as succinct as I would've liked, I grant you), Forge steps out onto a balcony to see Ororo, yet again, surprise surprise, staring out at the sea. He sings to her. Yeah.

She glances over at him again.

"And now, I'd like to make a speech about  
The love that touches each  
But stumbling I would make you laugh"

"...Yeah... _that's_ likely," Ororo says.

"I can be funny if I want to!" Forge cries.

"No, she's got a point. There's either sarcasm or being drunk for you, my friend," Remy says.

"...Damn!" Forge yells.

So, anyway, in the way of TIAFWHFCCY, two doves come flapping over, one to Forge and one to Ororo. And then they set them free and the doves have a moment and stuff. Like you weren't expecting all this crap.

"I feel as though my tongue were made of clay  
Anyway, I love you  
That's all I have to tell you  
I'm not a man of poetry  
Music isn't one with me  
It runs from me  
It runs from me"

"Like everyone else does when they smell you coming," Kitty says.

"These jokes are wearing a bit thin," Forge growls.

Author: Nope, they're fine.

"Grr," says Forge.

So, we see the two doves fly away to the pond in Ororo's forest (where two deer are randomly making out in the background) and then whoo! Throught he magic of special effects, they become Ororo and Forge. Beam me up, Scotty?

They walk over, hand in hand, to the pool, and this is where the duet starts so get your earplugs ready.

"And I tried to write a symphony"

"**Once, when I was searching**"

On the other side of the pool, we see Ro!Unicorn staring at herself in the pool. Like usual.

"But I lost the melody"

"**Somewhere out of reach**"

"Perhaps I only finished half"

Ro!uni takes a drink and runs away, stirring ripples in the pond. Wow. This is important! Symbolic, like.

"**Far away**"

"The circularness of these songs is beginning to make me queasy," Kitty mutters, and Kurt nods.

"You did not have to sing them," Piotr says.

"And finish I suppose I never may"

Ororo sits down and makes some pretty ripples of her own, which bump into Ro!unicorn's and make magic-y type sparkles. Wowzers.

"**In a place I could not find**"

Just to remind you that this is about unicorns, not crappy love duet thingies, we see Ro!unicorn running by again, just for kicks.

"Anyway, I love you"

"**Poor heart obey**"

"That's all I have to tell you"

"**Now that I'm a woman**"

"...That IS transvestite-y," Forge says. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

Ororo growls.

"Forget I asked," Forge stammers.

"That's better."

"That's all I've got to say"

In the amazing way of QSC, back to Ororo and Forge on the balcony.

"**Now I know the way**"

"**That's all I've got to say**"

Author: Hit high notes, this VA cannot. Oh, my EARS!

"NOW!" Forge and Ororo demand in unison.

"Yep," says Remy. "Everyone, look away, lest ye be BURNED!"

Yep, you guessed it, hot Storgey makeout. Yay.

(And now we're done. :P Technically, it isn't Wednesday yet, so I got this out on time, so there.)

(1) Reference to "The Cajun and the Artist" in which Remy got to skip citing pregnancy as his excuse for not wanting to do something.

(2) Jubilee/Logan is the best comics-only pairing EVER.

(3) Reference to the Sidney Chronicles, in which Forge proposes because his toaster tells him he got 'Ro pregnant. That always amused me...

(4) I love doing that to my cats. I'm not very nice to them, really.

(5) Rereading this, I think it's a line from "Drei."

(6) Reference to "The X-band, the Trilogy that Wouldn't Die" in which Bob the Mexican owns the rights to the Chihuahua song and Sam is very attached to it.


	12. Soothing Dolphin Music! Smell that Tuna!

Disclaimer: "I think I'm going to have a heart attack and DIE of not-surprise!"

(An: For the record, I did have the previous chapter written on time, but FFN was having issues when I got on...)

Everyone is pointedly ignoring Ororo and Forge, who have been making out since the last chapter. This is nothing new, after all.

"And now we start again," Remy says. "Kurt, what did you do with m' burboun?"

"Ask Logan," Kurt says. "He said he would take care of it."

Remy makes an incensed threatening gesture at Kurt, but before he can say anything, Kitty says, "Do you hear something?"

"I hope not..." Remy mumbles. "This is just begging for a gag cue."

"It's coming from the supply closet," Kitty goes on. "Isn't that where you left Hank?"

"Maaaaybe..."

"Just open the damn door, LeBeau!"

"Kurt, y' do it."

"No!" Kurt cries. "And if you pull absolute power again, I'll bite you!"

Remy pulls a face. "Ok, Bobby."

"Why me?" Bobby demands.

"Because you haven't been tortured yet this chapter," Remy says.

"But we just started!"

"No time like de present!"

Bobby mutters something about union meetings, but goes over and opens the supply closet door. He gets ready to scream girlishly... "Hey, it's not mind-scarring for once!"

Nope. Just drunk Logan and a very shaved Hank singing the rum song. "Rum, they told me, rum rum rum rum rummmm..." (1)

"I hate you, Kurt Wagner," Remy mutters, facepalming. "When you die, I shall LAUGH."

"It was just some burboun!" Kurt objects.

Remy pauses, hand over face. "_Just_ burboun?"

Kurt realizes his mistake and instantly tries to RLF away, but Kitty steps on his tail. "This is too amusing."

"YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BLUE BOY!"

TWENTY MINUTES, THREE CANS OF SHAVING CREAM AND TWO ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER LATER...

"You're just evil," Kurt says, hanging from the ceiling.

"You could just bamf down," Kitty says.

"I'm naked under these clothes," Kurt replies gravely. "It would be messy."

"Er... that's what one would assume, Kurt."

"HE SHAVED ME, WOMAN!"

"You mean like he did Hank?" Jubilee says. "It's not really that much of a surprise, then."

"I'm shaved and trapped in a toilet paper cocoon and you dare talk like that!" Kurt demands. "I'll- I'll- well, I don't know what I'll do yet but it'll be bad!"

"You know what we need?" Jamie says.

"If it's suggested by you, then we probably don't need it, Jamie," Rogue replies.

"Soothing dolphin music!" Jamie cries, putting in a CD.

Remy stops in his threatening gestures, Kurt stops in his spazzing, and Jubilee stops treating Kurt like a pinata. They all sit down (except Kurt, who goes really still, which is remarkable enough) and start humming.

"Works every time," Jamie says.

"Can Ah borrow that when you're done with it?" Rogue asks.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

"Now that everyone's calm and Kurt's... bald but at least on the floor, we can start again," Jamie says. He reaches over and turns off the CD player.

"What just happened?" Remy asks.

"I felt happy... which is a big deal... for me... when I'm shaved..." Kurt says, looking all hippy-ish. (2)

"Ok, we can start now," Remy says, having apparently given up on the whole WTF-is-up-with-this bit. He sits down in his chair. "I feel very Zen now."

"Have you been at the aspirin again, mate?" John asks.

Remy shoots him a dirty look.

There is the sound of off-key clock chiming, and we see Kurt standing in front of a busted, creepy clock. "Just what I need," he mutters, "riddles!"

"He doesn't seem too upset about the whole shaved thing," Kitty comments.

"Dolphin music always does it," says Jamie. "No doubt he'll be spazzing by the end of this chapter, but right now he's in a good mood."

"When the wine drinks itself," Kurt mutters, "when the skull speaks, when the clock strikes the right time... as if I didn't have enough troubles."

We notice a skull... that looks remarkably like Lucas would, if Lucas had no hair and skin and stuff. "Why me?" the skull asks.

"You're not supposed to talk yet!" Remy objects.

Author: I couldn't think of anybody else who would probably have a good evil laugh.

"You've never seen 'Sins of the Son,'" Lucas says, "so how would you know what I laugh like?"

Author: You're an evil Scottish guy with schizo. You've GOTTA have a good evil laugh. (3)

"Feh," Lucas mutters, and goes back to being a skull and stuff.

Kurt stares up at the clock (which has struck the hour about fifteen times in the past thirty seconds), and mutters, "I wonder what time it is."

There is a pause.

"Why is there a pause?" Kurt asks. "There's no pause in the script."

Remy just raises his eyebrows.

"Don't tell me Ororo and Forge are STILL making out!"

"Yep. Somebody get the crowbar."

FIVE MINUTES AND SOME PLUNGER-LIKE NOISES LATER...

"Why did you interrupt us, again?" Forge demands.

"You've actually got a part in this parody other than making out, you know," Remy points out.

Ororo and Forge just stare at him.

Remy facepalms. "Just say the damn lines!"

"Well, of course you're of noble birth," Forge says to Ororo as they come down that all-purpouse staircase. "I mean, you can't really be that ridiculous magician's niece. You're at least ten years older than him, for a start. That's out of the question."

Kurt hides behind the clock as they go by, muttering something that probably isn't very polite.

Sooo... random QSC to a tower where Ororo is staring out at the sea. How suprising.

"Your majesty?" she asks, as Magneto joins her on the tower.

Magneto chuckles evilly and stuff. "Love is slowing you down, my lady. I will catch you at last, if you love much more."

Ororo blinks. "Ok... has he had his medication today?" she hisses at Remy.

"I dunno, why're you asking me?" Remy replies.

"I have had my medication," Magneto says.

"So... you're this crazy... naturally?" Ororo asks. (Remy gets a like-that's-a-surprise face at this.)

"They're lines! On a script! What part of that don't you understand!"

Ororo decides that Magneto's just a touch crazy (that was SARCASM) and edges away, looking out over the road. "Look, your son is coming home."

"Forge? He's none of mine," Magneto says.

"And thank God for that!" Forge says.

Magneto is Not Amused. "I picked him up on a doorstep where some peasant had left him. I was thinking that I had never been happy and never had a son."

"I feel so unloved," Pietro says.

"How did you get out of your cage?" Wanda demands.

Pietro just smirks at her.

"It was pleasant enough at first," Magneto goes on, pointedly ignoring them, "but it died quickly. There is only one thing that has ever made me happy."

"What is that?" Ororo asks, and then says, "Do I really want to know?"

"Do not mock me," Magneto says. "For once, the script is actually what I would say."

"Nobody cares 'cause you're a DIRTY OLD MAN!" Kurt yells in the background.

"Think of the dolphins, Kurt," Kitty advises. "Soothing. Imagine the smell of lavender."

Kurt gets an extremely happy look on his face, grabs his feet, and starts rocking back and forth on his butt.

"What... is he doing?" Remy demands.

"The Happy Hamster Dance," Kitty whispers. "It's kind of creepy, but at least he's not spazzing about being shaved." (4)

Magneto goes on, grabbing Ororo by the shoulders. "I know very well what you have come for. Try to take them if you can, but do not mock me!"

"DIRTY OLD MAN!" Ororo yells. "Oh, God, now I'm agreeing with Kurt. Somebody shoot me."

"SHH!" Kitty yells.

"Sorry," Ororo says. "My lord, in all your castle, in all your realm, there is nothing of yours that I desire! Good day, your majesty." She turns her back on him.

"I know you!" Magneto yells. "Well, yes, thi is a given."

"He hasn't had his meds, has he," Remy whispers to John.

"We are out of Prozac, you know," Bobby says.

"I almost knew you as soon as I saw you on the road coming to my door," Magneto goes on, apparently getting into it. "Since then, there is no movement of yours that has not betrayed you. A pace, a glance, a turn of the head. The flash of your throat as you breath. Even your way of standing perfectly still. They were all my spies."

"Ooookay..." Ororo says. "That's just a little bit creepy." Again, SARCASM.

"You made me wonder for a little while," Mags goes on, ignoring her. "But your time is done."

"Nope," says Remy. "Definitely no meds."

"The tide is turning. Come and see it." He glances over at Ororo, who is looked extremely squicked. "Come here."

"Do I have to?" Ororo whimpers.

"The sooner you do, the sooner we're done, and the sooner we can kill him," Remy says. "...Did I say that last bit out loud?"

"There!" says Magneto, looking down at the sea. "There they are! There they are! They are mine! They belong to me!"

"Am I supposed to see something?" Ororo asks.

"Nope," Remy says. "On second thought, maybe he's had too much medication. Hallucinations."

"They said that acid only had permanent effects after the third hit," Magneto sighs. (5)

Ooookeydokey then.

"The Orange Bull gathered each one for me, and I bade him drive each one into the sea!"

"Not the sea! Large bodies of water terrify me!" John cries.

"We've been dealing with it for three chapters now," Wanda says.

"Yeah, but I wasn't paying attention then."

"Now, they live there, and every tide carries them within an easy step of the land, but they dare not come out of the water. They are afraid of the Orange Bull."

Ororo stares down at the water. "He's a dirty old man AND a crazy guy," she mutters.

"I like to watch them," Magneto says, in the way someone might say "God." "They fill me with joy. The first time I felt it, I thought I was going to die. I said to the Orange Bull, 'I must have them. I must have all of them, all there are, for nothing makes me happy, but their shining, and their grace."

Ororo takes another step backward, trips over the hem of her skirt, and promptly knocks down the backdrop. "I did that on purpouse!" she yells. "Just so he wouldn't get the wrong idea!"

"Er..." says Forge. "Right."

Through the amazing powers of special effects (run by Alex, no less), we switch to a black and white meadow. Two unicorns run by, all slow-mo and graceful and stuff.

"So the Orange Bull caught them."

Switch from unicorns cuddling to WHOAH! Big flames and explosion-y type noises. And then that shot of them running down the roads (accompanied by swelling violin music, no less) and a wave. Yep. Horsies in the sea.

"So... we've solved all the foreboding bits and stuff?" Ororo says.

Author: Yep. It's not that much of a surprise.

"Every time I see the unicorns, my unicorns, it is like that morning in the woods and I am truly young in spite of myself!" Magneto DOES need his meds.

So. Back to color, and back to Maggie's ugly mug. "You were the last," he murmurs.

"My lord," Ororo says, "I do not understand."

He takes her hands and Ororo looks like she might vomit.

"I see nothing at all in the water," she goes on, looking all "Eh?" and stuff.

"Do you STILL deny yourself?" Maggie demands. "Do you dare still pretend to be human? I'll hurl you down to the others with my own hands, if you dare deny yourself!"

Ororo gasps. "What are you saying?"

Magneto grabs her by the shoulders again.

"GODAMMIT, I NEED MY PERVERT SKEWER!"

"It must be so," he mumbles. "I cannot be mistaken. Yet... your eyes. Your eyes have become empty as Forge's, as any eyes that... never saw unicorns." There is nothing at all important about that statement. Nope... dammit, why isn't there a sarcasm font!

Biiiig closeup on Ororo's eyes again, to see Magneto reflected in them. Scary sight.

"Makes no difference. I can wait. The end will be the same. I can wait." He bows for no apparent reason and leaves.

"He is mad!" Ororo cries. "Mad!"

"Again, not that much of a surprise," Jubilee says.

Kurt apparently has been lurking in the background this whole time.

"And he calls ME a dirty old man," Magneto mutters.

"You ARE a dirty old man," Remy says.

Well, anyway, Kurt comes up behind Ororo, who is now sobbing against the turrets. "Don't, don't. It's all right, we'll find them. Come on, come with me. Oh, please, please don't cry. If you've become human enough to cry, then no magic in the world can change you back."

"But technology can!" Forge cries.

"Shh, don't cry. Just come with me. I promise you we'll find them."

So. Another amazing QSC to the great hall, where Lucas is laughing his head off.

"What did you do to get him to laugh?" Kitty asks of Remy.

"I got Bobby to get some more Prozac," Remy explained, "and Lucas OD'd."

"Yes I did!" Lucas proclaims, laughing hysterically.

Ororo, Kurt, and Kitty approach him, and this just makes him laugh harder. "Shut up, you pretentious kneecap- I'll have to write that one down-! How'd you like a punch in the eye?"

"I don't have eyes," says Lucas.

"It's the principle of the thing!"

"Kurt, you made it laugh, anyway," Kitty says. "Maybe that's all you need for the riddle."

This apparently amuses Lucas more than anything, because he starts to snicker. "It isn't!"

"Oh, you can speak!" Kitty says. "Kurt, it worked."

"Boy, you just know how to annoy the answers out of anybody, huh," Remy says.

Kitty grins.

"Come on," Lucas says, gasping for breath. "Ask me how to find the Orange Bull. Even Prince Forge doesn't know the secret way... but I do!"

"Oh, you do, eh? Answer the riddle, then. Tell us the way," Kurt says.

"Say please," Lucas gasps.

Kurt sighs, rubbing his temples. "_Please_."

Lucas sucks in his breath, and- "No. No. How 'bout nooo, you crazy German bastard?" (6)

"Kill... you..." Kurt growls.

"LAVENDER!" Kitty shrieks. "Think of the lavender!"

Kurt sucks in a deep breath. "Dolphins. Cute little dolphins. I am calm."

"Why not?" Kitty demands. "What kind of game is this?"

This starts Lucas off again. "Oh, it's so nice to have someone to play with!"

Author: Also, the other reason I picked you is because you're a sadist like that.

"Sadism is fun!" Lucas cries, snickering madly. "Try me tomorrow. Maybe I'll tell you tomorrow."

"We have no time!" Kitty says. "We may be too late now!"

"I have time," Lucas objects. "I've got time enough for all of us."

"Never mind about him," Kurt says. "Give me the wine, let me see what I can do with the wine."

"Wine? Did you say wine?" Lucas demands. "Speak up."

"I couldn't find any," Kitty says. "I looked everywhere... I looked! I thought... if you had some burboun to start with..."

"Dat's MY burboun!" Remy shrieks.

"Yes, well, it's being sacrificed in the name of fanficcery, deal with it," Kurt says, accepting the bottle from Kitty.

"I'm going to go cry in a corner somewhere," Remy says.

Lucas finds this hilarious. "I take joy in other people's pain, yes! Him?" he demands of Kitty. "Turn burboun into wine?"

"Keep quiet," Kurt snaps. "Let me have it, I'll try it. Now, you understand it's not going to be very good wine, _vin ordinaire_ if that. And it'll be too sweet and- Well, here goes." Kurt turns his back on Lucas and starts to randomly chant.

"What're you doing?" Lucas demands. "Hey, do it over here, I can't see a thing!"

"Well, yeah," Kitty says. "You just said you don't have eyes."

"But STILL!"

Now, a clever watcher will notice that now, as Kurt samples the wine, there's nothing left in the bottle. Weird. "Didn't work," he mutters. "No nose, no body, hardly any bouquet at all... hey, that sounds like you, Lucas!"

"Hah, hah," Lucas mutters.

Kurt tips the bottle and mutters, "Well, that's done it, that's finally done it."

"No! No wait! Hey, don't do that!" Lucas objects. "Give it to me if you don't want it, but don't throw it away!"

"But you're dead!" Kurt says.

"Since when has that made ANY difference in the Marvel universe?"

"...This is true. But you can't smell wine, can't taste it!"

"But I remember," Lucas sighs, sounding almost orgasmic.

"Well," Kurt says, "if you should happen to remember the entrance to the Orange Bull's lair as well as you remember wine-"

"Done!" Lucas cries. "Give me one drink now and I'll tell you everything you want to know."

"You can have all of it," Kurt says, snatching it back before Lucas can grab it. "After you tell us the way."

"That's just not nice," Lucas mutters, then gets back to the task at hand. He points at the creepy old clock. "The way is through the clock."

"Through that?" Kurt asks, with a WTF expression. "I think you've had too much Prozac."

Kitty ignores him. "You mean, when the clock strikes the right time it opens, and there's a secret stair?"

"That clock will never strike the right time," Lucas replies. "You just walk through it and the Orange Bull is on the other side. Give me the wine!"

"Walk through a clock," Kurt says. "What am I, a magician?" To his credit, he says this totally deadpan.

Author: Ok, we can stop there.

"Just as long as we do it-" Kitty starts.

"AUGH!" Kurt yells, looking down at himself. "I'VE BEEN SHAVED!"

"Too late," Kitty mutters, facepalming.

"DEATH TO YOU!" Kurt tackles Remy.

Author: God, this is practically a new running joke...

In the background, Ororo and Forge shrug at each other and start making out again.

(Next chapter is the last. Endless joy.)

(1) Sung to the tune of "The Little Drummer Boy."

(2) A modified line from Finding Nemo.

(3) I really have no idea what Lucas is like. Such is the sadness of us who haven't seen the fourth season

(4) The Happy Hamster Dance is from Shaw Island. It really is soothing.

(5) Again, from Shaw Island.

(6) From Goldmember. Best Austin Powers movie, EVER.


	13. It's Tough to be a God

Disclaimer: "What's he gonna think if he finds one of the gods like this with me?" "Lucky god?"

(An: Yay. Last chapter. Fun.)

Remy is smirking. "Last chapter. Thank GOD."

"Yeah, but you have a big part in the next parody," Kurt points out.

"Yeah, but it's another Storge," Forge says. (1)

Ororo just grins. "And no weird transformations!"

"For you, maybe," John mutters. Wanda falls over in a fit of giggles. "Ah, turn blue." (2)

"Can we get started, please?" Lucas says. "I've got itches in places that don't exist anymore."

In the background, Xavier snickers.

"I'll get you later," Lucas mutters. "I'll get you ALL!"

"Yeah, yeah, Mr. Pyscho Scottish Man," Remy says. "We get it already."

"We should get together sometime, compare notes on how to kill our fathers," Wanda comments. (3)

"I like the way you think, woman," Lucas says.

Xavier and Magneto exchange "Oh, badger" looks. (4)

"I feel so unloved," John says, sniffling.

"You were never good enough for my daughter, anyway," Magneto says, with a haughty sniff.

"Uh-oh..." Remy says.

"Sic 'im," John mutters. The Orange Bull appears.

"Ohhhhh shiznit," Magneto mutters.

TEN MINUTES, SOME TORTURED SCREAMING, AND THREE CASES OF LIGHTER FLUID LATER...

"Pain... everywhere..." Magneto gasps.

"Forge, fix him," Remy says.

"But he dies anyway!" Forge objects.

"Yeah, but not like that!"

Forge mutters something and sets to work.

ANOTHER TEN MINUTE INCREMENT OF TIME LATER...

"I feel happy now," Magneto says.

"It's the painkillers," Forge whispers. "At least he can move again."

Remy facepalms. "If it ain't one thing, it's another," he mutters.

"Ok, can we start now?" Lucas demands.

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

"To reach the Orange Bull you have to walk through time," Lucas says, and then pauses. "Whoever wrote this script is even crazier than me."

"And _that's_ saying something," Xavier mutters.

"Tick tock tick tock," Lucas mutters. "A clock isn't time, it's just numbers and springs. Just walk right on through. About that _wine_ now..."

Kurt shrugs and hands him the empty bottle. Apparently, Lucas isn't one to catch on quickly, because he swallows the whole thing (how he does that without neither wine nor throat, I don't know) and goes very red in the... cheekbones? I guess.

"Ah, ah," he sighs. "That was the real stuff. That was WINE. You're more of a magician than I thought."

"And you're even crazier than _I_ thought," Kurt mutters. "I mean, you kidnapped Jean, but this is just weird. Let's go."

Kitty turns to Ororo. "My lady, it's time. We're going to find the others now."

"Oh, no," Lucas mutters, the redness going away. Some guys just can't hold their- ok, that joke would be SO much better if I didn't have to say "nothing." "No, you don't. Not that one!"

View switches to Kitty dragging Ororo along behind her, with flashes of Ororo!unicorn.

"Unicorn! Magsy! Unicorn! Magsy, unicorn! Unicorn! Magsy, where are you! It's loose! Down to the Orange Bull! The clock, Magsy, there she goes! Unicorn, unicorn!"

So... yeah. Kurt, Ororo, and Kitty dash over to the clock, as Magsy comes running down the stairs with his sword bared and stuff.

"Go on!" Kurt says. "Go on through!"

Ororo goes through the clock (...yeah) but Kitty hesitates. "Kurt, I don't think-"

"Go on!" Kurt shoves her into the clock and then we see all this smoke and mist and stuff. Wow. Time's pretty boring.

So, on the other side of the clock, Kurt and Mags are locked in a battle to the death, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.

"It worked!" Kitty says. Yeah... not the quickest to catch on, is Kitty.

"Prince Forge!" Ororo cries.

"You would have gone without me?" Forge asks.

"I would have come back," Ororo says. "I don't know why I'm here or who am, but I would've come back."

"No," Forge says, looking all angsty and stuff.

"Does he ever look any other way?" Remy asks, sounding bored.

"I was a hippy in Evo! I was cheerful!"

Kurt just stares at him.

"For me, anyway!" (5)

"Right," Kurt mutters. "Suuure."

Forge sighs and shakes his head. "You would have never come back," he says to Ororo.

"Never mind all that! Where's Kurt?" Kitty demands.

Back through time, where we see Kurt and Magsy still locked in the death battle thing. Kurt dashes through the clock before he gets bashed with a sword.

It's like time hacky-sack as we switch back to Kitty, Ororo, and Forge. "Where is he?" Kitty repeats. "I'll go back myself if you won't."

Kurt staggers into the time... mist... thing and falls over.

"Kurt?" Kitty asks, going over by him.

"It's all right, it's not deep," he announces to no one in particular.

"Like anyone cares," Forge says.

Kurt glares at him for a minute, then says, "How did you know how to get here?"

"What was there to know?" Forge asks, shrugging. "I saw where she had gone and I followed."

Kurt shakes his head and wham! Ball into the other court as we see King Mags destroying the clock.

"This is makin' m' head hurt," Remy mutters.

"Are you drunk AGAIN?" Ororo demands from the vast nothingness-type stuff.

"That'd be a _oui_," Remy mumbles, slumping down in his chair.

"He made me buy him more burboun, to make up for the Logan and wine incidents," Kurt explains.

And then we're back to the nothingness... which kind of dissipates. "Mags has destroyed the clock," Kurt announces, for those of you who are REALLY thick. "Now there's no way out and no way back but through the Orange Bull's passage."

Sooo Our Heroes are walking through a vast, rocky cavern-type thing and Kurt is apparently explaining all this crap to Forge, because he says, "And the rest you know. We came here seeking unicorns and we have possibly found them at last."

Author: Now here is where we see that Forge is not as thick as he looks.

"We knew that," Forge mutters.

"Ah... no," says Remy.

"You're drunk!"

"He's got a point," Kitty says. "All of your inventions have either gotten you into trouble, or us into trouble and you by proxy."

"...Damn!"

"Poor, poor Forge," Ororo sighs. "Just can't catch a break."

"Grr," Forge mutters. "I used to have a dream, over and over about standing at my window, seeing the Bull, the Orange Bull-"

"Yes," Kurt agrees, "driving unicorns into the sea. It was no dream. Mags has them all now, drifting in and out on the tides for his delight. All but one. That one is the Lady Ororo."

"Unicorns in blackface," Kitty sighs. "I can see now, on Broadway!"

"One of these days, Kitty, one of these days," Ororo mutters.

"Unicorn, mermaid, sorceress," Forge says. "No name you would give her would surprise or frighten me."

"How about Ro!Hawk?" Kitty asks. (6)

"Gah!" Forge's eye twitches. "Cut that out! Can't you see I'm doing my romantic monologue here!"

"Yeah... I just don't care!"

"I love whom I love," Forge says. This statement is somewhat ruined by the threatening gestures he's making at Kitty.

"God, everyone wants to kill you, _Katzchen_," Kurt mutters.

"You get used to it, being Jewish," Kitty says, shrugging. "After all, the 'we didn't know!' excuse only works for killing Christ, and that's the only one we've got."

"That's a very nice sentiment," Kurt says, "but when I change her back into her true self-"

"I love whom I love!" Forge repeats, and Ororo turns around in a flash of... wow! Where'd all that hair come from?

"I heard what you said," Ororo says.

"Well, yeah, we're only like five feet away from you," Kitty mutters.

"I will go no further," Ororo says, ignoring her.

"There's no choice!" Kurt objects. "We have to go on!"

"Don't let him change me!" Ororo says, clinging to Forge.

"You know, Forge is the one who invented the purple thing," Kurt comments.

"DETAILS!" Ororo yells. "The Orange Bull has no care for human beings."

"Actually, he thinks they taste like chicken," John comments.

"...Er..." says Remy.

"We may walk out past him and get away!" Ororo cries.

"If we do that, all of the unicorns of the world will remain prisoners forever except one, and she will grow old and die!" Kurt cries.

"Yeah, rain on my parade," Forge mutters.

"No, that's my job," Ororo says.

Forge gives her a dirty look and Ororo steps on his foot.

Going back into Upset Mode, Ororo says, "Everything dies!" Then she pauses. "Well, relatively speaking, at least..." She shakes herself. "I want to die when you die. I'm no unicorn, no magical creature! I'm human, and I love you!"

"Do we get to make out yet?" Forge asks.

"...No, this is the part where the angst starts," Remy says. "Don't you read the script?"

"Do you?"

"...Good point."

"Don't let him!" Ororo gasps. "Forge, I will not love you when I am a unicorn!"

"Ororo, don't," Forge says.

"Then let the quest end here," Kurt says. "I don't think I could change you back even if you wished it... not with Alex at the controls at least."

"Hey! I got the mystical time mist working, didn't I?" Alex demands.

Kurt pauses. "Yeah, well, there's that... Marry the prince and live happily ever after!"

"Yes, that is my wish," Ororo says.

"No," Forge says. "My lady, I am a hero..."

There is a pause. Then everyone bursts out laughing.

Forge's eye twitches. "What's bad is I don't even believe it myself."

"Can we FOCUS?" Remy begs. "Two more scenes and we're DONE!"

Forge clears his throat. "Right. Right. And heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned. Unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever. The happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story."

Author: I love how the guy who wrote the book wrote the script, because this is my favorite part. ...Don't look at me like that!

"But what if there isn't a happy ending at all?" Kitty asks.

"There are no happy endings because nothing ends," Kurt says. "Actually, it was because the author was a lazy bum, but we'll stick with that."

So, yeah. Shot of Ororo and Forge holding hands and walking ahead of them. This makes Kitty all sentimental. "Kurt, let her stay the way she is. Let her be!"

"That's not in the story," Kurt replies. "Forge knows that and so does she."

"...They do realize that I was trapped in Middleverse when this movie came out?" Forge whispers. (7)

"You don't care," Kitty goes on, ignoring him. "You don't care what happens to her or to the others, just so you become a real magician at last! You don't care!"

"Ooh, drama," Remy says.

"Quiet," Caliban says. "This issss touching."

"Argh!" Remy says, nearly falling out of his chair. "Where did you come from?"

"I've been here the whole time," Caliban says.

"Er..." says Remy. "I need another drink."

"Well, I wish I didn't!" Kurt yells. "I wish to God I didn't care about anything but my magic, but I do! I do."

And then- isn't this always the case?- their moment is interrupted by a giant fiery construct shaped like a bull.

"Kurt!" Kitty yells. "Is that still less than in The Thief and the Cobbler?"

"...Nope, sorry," Remy says. "We went past that a while ago."

"Damn!"

So, anyway, the Orange Bull appears snarling in front of Forge and Ororo. I've said it before and I'll say it again- that is the FUGLIEST creature ever animated.

"Kitty, he knows! He knows!" Kurt cries.

The Orange Bull keeps roaring, shaking down a bunch of rocks from the ceiling and stuff as Our Heroes heroically... run for their ever-lovin lives!

And then, oh you guessed it, Ororo trips over a rock. "My ankle!" she cries. "Help! ...I HATE playing D.I.D.'s." (8)

"Ororo!" Forge cries. "Don't move!" He draws his sword and attempts to look heroic.

There is much snickering in the background.

"I've never done this before, all right!" he mutters. "I'm the sleazy schemer here!"

But the Orange Bull, being crafty and and a jerk like that, zaps Forge's sword, making it too hot for him to hold.

"She'll be killed!" Kitty cries. Kurt grabs her before she can get too far.

"No!" Forge says, standing in front of Ororo.

"My knight in shining armor," Ororo mutters, "or my stupid genius in tie-dye?"

"Take what you get!" Forge yells.

Ok... so Kurt goes off into his chanting again and stuff. Yeah.

"Forge?" Ororo asks.

"Do something!" Kitty yells.

There is a flash of rainbow-y sparkles as Ororo stands up, wobbles, and then shabam! Instant unicorn. (9)

"Ororo!" Forge yells.

The Orange Bull roars, and Ororo whinnies and rears (I thought I was DONE typing those infernal words!) and... bravely RLF for her life.

Our Heroes head out onto the beach. "Look!" Kitty yells. The Orange Bull has his horns aimed at Ororo, and she is backing into the sea.

"Large... body... of water..." John says, twitching slightly.

"Keep it together there," Wanda yawns.

As soon as Ororo touches the sea, though, she seems to remember that she is the heroine of this story and runs around the Orange Bull and further down the beach.

"Do something!" Forge yells. "You have the power!"

"Actually, _I_ have the power," Remy says, smirking, and we know that somewhere, somehow, Rogue is facepalming.

"I will kill you if you don't do something!" Forge goes on.

"I cannot!" Kurt says. "Not all the magic in the world can save her now!"

"But special effects probably can," Forge says.

"That's the coward's way out!" Kurt replies.

"Then what is magic for?" Kitty demands. "What is the use of wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?"

"That's what heroes are for," Kurt says. Then he breaks and starts to snicker.

Forge is Not Amused.

"Sorry," Kurt says, getting himself under control. "Carry on, carry on."

"Certainly was carrying on," Forge mutters. "Of course! That is exactly what heroes are for!" (10)

He pushes past Kurt and runs over to where the Orange Bull is chasing Ororo along the beach. He jumps in front of the Orange Bull.

"No!" Kitty yells.

So Forge gets crushed (as if you weren't expecting this), doing absolutely nothing to save Ororo (ditto).

However, this does make Ororo stop RLF-ing and look back at the Bull.

Oh, yeah, Mags happens to be watching this all from his tower, completely unmoved.

Author: -coughcoughbastardcoughcough-

So Ororo glances at Dead?Forge and her horn starts to glow. Then she rears and whinnies. Hah. Changed it up a bit there, didn't I. She charges the Orange Bull.

"She's attacking!" Kurt cries.

"Fighting back!" Kitty agrees.

"Yeah, a fat lot of help you guys are," Ororo mutters.

She bobs her head at the Orange Bull, walking like a pigeon as she forces him back to the sea.

"Large bodies of water!" John squeaks.

"Suck it up!" Wanda yells.

The Orange Bull steps into the waves. Yeah.

"Kitty!" Kurt cries, pointing at the incoming tide. The waves break, and in them are a whole bunch of unicorns.

Ororo points at the Orange Bull again and he goes fully into the sea. "Yeah, that's right!"

The wave surges over top of the Bull, with all the unicorns surfing right on top.

Kitty and Kurt run over by Dead?Forge, and the unicorns break around them like... like around a rock.

"Yeah, I like that analogy," Kitty mutters.

Author: Well, it describes your collective IQ.

"Does not! This is all the smart people in this show right here! ...With Kurt instead of Hank, though."

"I feel loved," Kurt mutters.

So, all the unicorns run by and they cause such a shaking, I guess, that the whole place starts to crumble.

"The last!" Magneto yells, going down with his... castle (doesn't sound as dramatic as ship). "I knew you were the last!" The ground crumbles out beneath him and he falls to his doom in the water below, blah blah blah and all that jazz.

So the whole castle breaks and falls into the sea after him. That's commitment for you.

Now that it's time for the Happy? Ending, the sun comes out and we see Kurt and Kitty crying by Dead?Forge.

Ororo comes over and nuzzles Kitty. "Oh... you stayed," Kitty says, petting Ororo. "You stayed... are you still out for my blood?"

"Nah," Ororo says. "My thirst for vengeance is sated, what with John all twitchy like that."

"Yeah," Wanda sighs, facepalming.

"Ocean!" John cries. "Wet! Bad! BANANAHAMMOCK!"

Wanda pauses, getting a squicked look.

Ororo walks over by Forge (the love theme playing in the background of course; it's actually rather tolerable when you don't have to listen to the singing) and rubs him with her horn. There is a magic-y flash of blue light and Forge stirs.

Author: See? Wasn't I a genius by putting the question mark in there?

"Now you see," Ororo says, "we're getting back to canon."

"Father?" Forge says. "Father, I had that same dream, about the evil bunnies..."

"LINE!" Remy yells.

"Oh, right," Forge says, sitting up. "Father, I had that same dream. No. I was dead." He rubs his head.

"Like everyone else in this room, pretty much," Kitty says.

"True," Forge says.

On a precipice above them, Ororo murmurs, "I remember you. I remember!"

They all watch as she runs away.

"It's so beautiful!" Caliban sobs.

"Somebody," Remy hisses, "get the brick- _sedative_!" (11)

Forge runs away from Kurt and Kitty, then stops.

There's a QSC to Forge, Kurt, and Kitty with horses, back on the edge of Mags's kingdom... or wherever, who cares.

"I will miss you," Forge says. "I never had any friends before." He hugs Kurt, who looks freaked out.

"...Is this bonding time?" Kurt says. "I don't see bonding time on the schedule!"

"Shut up," Forge says.

"We will come back," Kurt says.

As he hugs Kitty (who looks freaked out as well), he says, "I wish I could see her just once more, to tell her all that's in my heart. She will never know what I really meant to say."

"She will remember your heart when men are fairy tales in books written by rabbits," Kurt says.

"...Did you have some of m' burboun?" Remy asks.

"It's in the freaking script!" Kurt yells.

Author: Now, listen, because this is where a seemingly pointless conversation ties in to the Bigger Picture (tm).

"Have _you_ had some of m' burboun?" Remy asks.

Author: Oy vey. -facepalms-

"Of all unicorns," Kurt says, "she is the only one who knows what regret is... and love."

Forge gets on his horsey and actually rides it, instead of just clinging to its back and screaming like he did before. "Grr."

"Come," Kurt says, grabbing Kitty's hands. "Come with me!"

"I will," Kitty says.

Kurt helps her up on her horse and then QSC to them asleep. Well, Kitty asleep. Kurt is awake.

Ororo is standing on a hill and Kurt comes over by her. "You are a true wizard now, as you always wished," she says. "Does it make you happy?"

"This movie is not about being happy!" Magneto yells.

"Shut up and be dead, Dad!" Wanda yells back.

"Well, men don't always know when they're happy, but I think so," Kurt says. "And you?"

"I am a little afraid to go home," Ororo says. "I have been mortal and some part of me is mortal yet. I'm no longer like the others, for no unicorn was ever born who could regret."

Author: See?

"But now I do. I regret."

"I am sorry. I have done you evil and I cannot undo it," Kurt says, looking sheepish and stuff.

"No," Ororo says. "Unicorns are in the world again. No sorrow shall live in me as long as that joy, save one. And I thank you for that part too."

"No, that wasn't vague at all, 'Ro," Remy mutters.

"Will you SHUT UP!" Caliban demands.

"Where's the brick?"

"Farewell, good magician," Ororo says. "I will try to go home."

The sun starts to rise and Kitty gets up. Kurt goes over by her, and once more, just for old times sake (or maybe just to annoy me, yeah it's probably that), Ororo rears and whinnies and her mane flashes in the sun.

"...Oh, _merde_," Remy says. "Where's Pete?"

"Right here," Piotr says. "I never left. That door doesn't open."

Author: MWAHAHAHAH! I enjoy false hope.

"**I'm alive  
I'm alive**"

So we see shots of Ororo running over the plains and fields she's already been over and stuff. Iiii hate writing reprises.

"You don't have to sing them," Piotr mutters. "**When the last moon is cast  
Over the last star of morning  
And the future has passed  
Without even a last desperate warning**"

Ororo stops at the entrance to her forest.

"Y' can quit now, Pete," Remy says. "The rest is credits territory."

"YES!" Piotr yells, and then looks all embarrased.

"Don't get too excited, you have to do it in the next one anyway," Remy says. "Now, what were we forgetting?"

Ororo and Forge start to make out.

"Oh. Yeah. Dat."

(And that is that. Review!)

(1) My next parody is of _The Road to El Dorado_, entitled "The Road to Where Now?" Yes, TF, I did change the casting, because I just can't see Kurt being that much of a bastard to Remy. It's a Storge, so you should be happy.

(2) Told you I liked that insult.

(3) Heheh... There is a rant on a couples site that I read once that speculates that, with all the weird pairings out there, why isn't Lucas/Wanda one of them? They both want to kill their fathers, after all, and they're both psychotic.

(4) Badger: mushroom. Mushroom: shitake. I think you can make the rest of the connections on your own... I couldn't be arsed to change the rating, ok?

(5) Canon!Forge has never been one of the bright, shining examples of how to be happy with your life.

(6) As I've told TF (who seems to be the only one reading this, anyway), the two most heinous plot devices ever incorporated by Marvel were: Kurt!Priest and Ro!Hawk. The word Ororo and mohawk just do not belong together. Anywhere. Ever.

(7) I haven't been arsed to check when this movie actually came out, but I think it was late seventies, after Forge got Middleversed.

(8) D.I.D. is Damsel in Distress. It's an easy TLA, really.

(9) Again, another trademark of Rankin and Bass. They used the exact same sparkly thing for Return of the King, in the bit with the Watchers. Or whatever they were called. I'm surprised I remember it all, because I last watched that movie when I was six.

(10) Exchange from Yellow Submarine, of course.

(11) I told myself I wasn't gonna use that joke again... but I did. Oh, well.


End file.
